Snippets of Me

Odd Feelings, Strange Place

2010-06-17T16:30:00.003+08:00

It's odd. This sense of having nothing to do. I feel somewhat lost and far away from everyone and everything. It's almost like I've been living in a shell for the longest time. I can't help but wonder what I'm doing.

I've been thinking a lot during this after I completed my dissertation. Perhaps the whole job search task was a little daunting to make me feel this way, but I realized that as I grew up I really hated change.

No, hate is an understatement. I abhorr change. I really do. I hated whenever the people that I came into contact daily with had to change. I used to hate going to school when I got streamed into EM1 at Primary 5. I guess what I hated most about it was being new in a class of 30 other stranger faces. I hated when I had to go to poly when every other person was going to JC and the fact that almost 90% of my classmates' primary language when conversing was Mandarin.

As the pressure to find a job mounts with the days that pass, I'm slowly finding it an absolutely scary thing. I would like to be that outgoing, outspoken person that I am when I'm comfortable, but I don't deny that I'm as timid as a mouse when it comes to a change in environment.

Everything seems like a blur these days. Let's not even begin to talk about my health. It's been in the dumps lately. Haven't found any sort of motivation to keep me in the 'normal range' let alone keep me healthy. The three times a day trips to the gym has become once a week. I know I need to do something, but I don't know why I feel like some invisible steel bars are holding me down and I can't seem to move ahead or backwards.

Hiding behind the facade of words

2010-01-13T11:35:00.004+08:00

Writing is a way in which I use to mask how I truly feel. At this point, I find myself putting on so many masks that I honestly don't know who I really am anymore. The things that I do express, is it really who I am or is it yet another front that I put up?

After reading 'The Secret of Staying in Love' by John Powell, I finally know why I don't know who I really am. After reading the insights that he provides in his book and some careful reflection, I know why. The reason is really quite simple. I don't love myself enough and give myself credit for being unique. As much as I hate to admit it, I am deeply insecure. This of course, I mask as well.

On the brighter side, I am starting to come to terms with my insecurities and to accept that the love that I have been born into is one that is unconditional. I do know this for a fact, but I guess I never really believed in it and the symptoms of this lack of self love has shown up in several facets of my life.

I can't keep this 'act' up if I want to be in an honest relationship with my family and friends, especially with Colin. Sharing with you, my faithful readers my honest reflections were I can be judged is just the first step to making some changes in my life.

So if you ask me what my New Year Resolutions are, it's only to learn to love myself more so that I can be a better daughter, friend and girlfriend.

Wish me luck!

Scribbles

2009-11-26T16:45:00.001+08:00

And we're almost done for the semester. The end is so near I can just smell it. With one semester left and a thesis outstanding to write, it'll be the last time I would have to take exams ever again (unless I'm planning on getting my Masters). I don't really know how I feel about entering this next phase of my life. It's a mix of being afraid yet excited all at the same time. Goodness knows the horror stories of coming out to work plus my own share of work experience. All the work experience that I've ever had were horrendous, not counting the childcare job and other short term jobs, remember Cheers and that awful telemarketing job? I'm praying that I don't ever need to dread going to work every morning.

What will my new job be like for my health? Would it make it even more difficult to deal with as it already is? The childcare job was such a nightmare for my blood sugar levels. I don't ever want that to happen again.

On that note, my last a1C came back with an 8.2% which is way above the target that I'd set. Yes, we are back to square one yet again...

In a mess

2009-11-18T00:52:00.003+08:00

Everything seems a mess right now. I feel like my whole life's like a circus. From a bird's eye view, it's just a whole bundle of chaos. I don't know how to make this at least an organized clutter, I just feel so overwhelmed.

I need sleep.

I need the motivation to pull my grades up.

I need to start exercising again.

I need to get my blood sugars under control.

I need to get a life.

How did I end up here?

Diabetes App for my new phone!

2009-10-13T00:42:00.003+08:00

There are times when I get jaded, but I've gotten over that now. When I need to get motivated, getting new things inspire me. During the first week of school, I like to go stationery shopping because it makes me want to use them for class.

That's mainly the reason why I've decided to get an iPhone. I've been toggling with the idea for a while now, but it's the fabulous app that helped me make my decision.

Click the link for the demo! :)

Thank you Apple!

Cure me tonight.

2009-10-08T00:43:00.005+08:00

I want a cure tonight.

I see no more holes at the tip of my finger tips
I don't smell the alcohol from the swabs
I'm not thinking about how much carbs are in a meal
I don't feel Tommy all tangled up around me as I sleep
I don't know what Simvastatin tastes like before it's swallowed

Could You heal me? Please?

Time Out!

2009-09-27T21:04:00.004+08:00

I'm absolutely zonked.
When there's a pile of things in your heart and on your mind, you wonder how to balance between the two.

I need a time out.

Father, please hold my hand through this.

Spending Time with my Diabetes

2009-09-24T15:30:00.002+08:00

On a day like this when there are a thousand things to do and a looming deadline for school, I guess I really shouldn't be doing this. But when I turned on my computer to attempt to complete an assignment that's due next week, I spent a good half an hour (and counting as I'm typing this...) with my diabetes.

It's all too easy to get caught up with everything else, like dinner appointments, meetings in church and rushing to meet my assignment deadline. Making sure my blood sugars are in good range really shouldn't be any less important than any of the abovementioned.

In fact, how my blood sugars are at the start of the day usually determines how productive my day would be. On days that I wake up lethargic because of the high reading on my meter, I know I'm off to a bad start because my body hasn't really rested the whole night. On days when I wake up low, it's almost impossible to get out of bed because my body automatically tries to conserve whatever energy's left and makes it impossible to even get my eyes open.

After some 13 hour days shuffling between home, school, church and dinner appointments, it's time to stop and take a breath and get reconnected with my diabetes. Reading patient blogs have become some sort of therapy. I feel rejuvenated, motivated and ready to take on the tasks at hand. It's good to know I'm not the only one with diabetes that's been trying to get through a rough week. :)

30 Things About My Invisible Illness

2009-09-22T14:12:00.004+08:00

I'm a little late with this post since Invisible Illness Week was Sep 14 - 20. But I'll post it anyway.

1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 Diabetes

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: May 1999

3. But I had symptoms since: 6 months before

4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: my eating habits.

5. Most people assume: I brought this disease upon myself when it really isn't the case.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: waking up with a high because it makes me feel like I haven't slept all night.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Don't really have one actually. Haven't watched much TV lately.

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: Tommy - my insulin pump

9. The hardest part about nights are: Waking up with a headful of sweat and scrambling for the fridge for something sweet to raise my blood sugar levels fast.

10. Each day I take 2 pills & vitamins: Simvastatin as a therapy drug and sometimes Vitamin C during flu season.

11. Regarding alternative treatments: I don't think there's anything better than what I'm using now, so I'm pretty content with my current treatment plan.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I have to say that there were times when I did wish it was visible so I didn't need to have to explain myself if I had to quit a job (at the childcare) or inform teachers that they need to allow me to have something sweet in class when I'm low.

13. Regarding working and career: I'm not there yet, but I foresee many challenges that I would need to overcome in order to stay healthy and prevent getting lows all the time.

14. People would be surprised to know: that as invisible as it is, it's a battle that we fight all day long. Literally.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: sharing about the disease with people is mandatory in the case of an emergency and not when I'm comfortable about sharing it. I did wish it was the other way around though.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: to be candid about the disease and be truly comfortable with who I am as a person with the disease.

17. The commercials about my illness: are mostly about Type 2 diabetes. It frustrates me sometimes because it gives people the wrong idea about Type 1 diabetes.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I can't quite remember since it's been 10 years now.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: the freedom to eat what I wanted, when I wanted without worrying about my sugar levels.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: my workout at the gym. It's a fantastic form of stress relief from school and from the illness.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: take a really long swim on a beach in a foreign land. I wouldn't be worrying about whether it's been too long since I've taken Tommy off me.

22. My illness has taught me: to have faith in His plans.

23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is: 'I think you better not eat this.' It's not that I disregard your concern, but it gets annoying when you act upon something you don't really know much about.

24. But I love it when people: use the disease to surprise me. Having coke light at parties really make my heart smile.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I don't particularly have a favourite motto, scripture or quote, but it's the reminder to be thankful for everything else that I've been blessed with despite the tough times.

26. When someone is diagnosed I'd like to tell them: it's not going to be easy, but you're not alone either.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how God has used it to help me grow deeper in faith and love for Him.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: to make the walk for me to get Yakult when I was low.

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: it's a whole different ball game when it's invisible. It's not easier than visible illnesses, but it presents a whole different set of challenges to overcome. I only wish to give it a voice even if I have a tiny one.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: grateful. Hopefully, it's been worth your time. :)

On my way

2009-09-15T11:26:00.003+08:00

00:05

00:04

00:03

00:02

00:01

*beeeeeeeep*

The past 3 months rests on the number that appears on the screen of the HbA1c machine. My goal is to get a hit between 5-7mmol/L. It's the only way to know that I'm doing my health justice. It would be nice to know that all those nights spent at the gym and fretting over carbohydrate counting has paid off in some way.

I'm not the most diligent and uptight controller of the disease, this I do admit, but I know that I'm not going to allow myself to slip into a phase of horrendous control and complications. There's so much to live for and be grateful for.

7.2mmol/L

I'm so on my way to my goal.

Lemonade

2009-08-26T18:07:00.002+08:00

Life has an uncanny ability to help you through the struggles that you face. Just 2 days ago, I was counting down to the time that I was next due at Warren's clinic. It's not a countdown made in the spirit of enthusiasm because I do admit this tinge of fear, though slight is enough to keep me awake thinking about it before I go to bed.

In times like these, it does feel like diabetes has got a grasp on my mental state of being. Emotionally, it's the type of feeling you get right before a major examination where all you can think about is if you've studied enough or if you could actually pass the darn thing.

Then just when life passes you lemons, it teaches you to make lemonade.

Reading Kerri's blog today made me feel a whole lot better. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who's fretting over my next HbA1c results.

Countdown

2009-08-24T23:31:00.002+08:00

The countdown begins to my next appointment with Warren.

I just want to see an HbA1C that's in the 6-7 mmol/L range.

5 more days!

PS: Hil, if you're reading this, I hope you don't forget your peanut butter milkshake promise if I get to my goal! :)

Have you heard?

2009-08-13T15:40:00.004+08:00

Have you heard that Swensens at ION is having a 1-for-1 ice cream and dessert buffet?

Guess who I heard it from?

My mom.

Anyone who knew I was a diabetic would expect my mother to be the the last person to send me this type of email. Well, it's not surprising at all. Simply because I actually can have ice cream buffet.

Don't rub your eyes now. Yes, I did say that I can go for an ice cream buffet.

It's a common misconception that people have about Type 1 diabetes - that those that have diabetes can't take anything sweet. I don't blame you if you're one of them because it's true that you can get Type 2 diabetes if you're constantly overloading your system with sugar.

See, that's the difference. It leads to Type 2 diabetes, not Type 1. I've probably mentioned this before, but I won't hesitate to say it again. The great thing about Tommy is that it gives me the freedom to eat anything. In a certain sense, you could say that I paid $8000 for the freedom to eat anything I want.

Eating stuff that's really sweet simply means that I would need to do damage control after that. i.e. Using Tommy to make sure my BSLs are in check. If I refuse something sweet, it's usually because I don't want to have to deal with the damage 2 hours after eating whatever it is.

It's not because I can't, but simply because I don't want to.

Just like how you would refuse it.

The need to break free

2009-07-29T15:15:00.002+08:00

I have to admit. I'm letting my health slip.

Who'd have known? It just takes a whole string of severe unexplainable hypers to break me.

I don't want to do this anymore!

New Ability

2009-07-25T03:21:00.002+08:00

I found myself a new ability just a few mornings ago. Other than waking up to hypos, I found that I can wake up to hypers too. As high BSLs make me want to pee constantly, waking up in the middle of the night to pee is THE symptom of a hyper for me. Well, extreme thirst counts too.

To attempt to solve the mystery of the uncomfortable feeling in my chest during the toilet break, I decided to fumble through the mess as I groped in the dark, got my meter out and took a reading. Lo and behold, it was a sky rocket reading of 22.9! I did solve the mystery after all. I was extremely high. Whipped Tommy out to do damage control and cursed silently in my heart before I drifted off to diabetes-free land.

I'm not thrilled about this new-found ability.

More reasons for interrupted sleep? Nooooo....

Twitter-er

2009-07-24T14:32:00.002+08:00

So I signed up for a Twitter account recently, thanks to Jo and her randomness that's become so infectious. One of her recent posts actually got me to buy kinder bueno. (No, Kinder doesn't need to pay you for that Jo.)

I like the fact that every post is bite-size and allows you to express whatever you feel in that moment. It can act as a sort of stress and muscle relaxant and a record of the random things you think about but never thought of sharing. It's so much easier than typing a blogpost but I doubt it'll deter me from updating my blog. It's impossible to detail anything in 140 characters.

So I'm a Twitter-er now. Not a Twit, thank you very much. :)

Get me one of these!

2009-07-21T14:43:00.005+08:00

Came across this while surfing the web today.

It's perfect for keeping Tommy safe should I want to wear a dress. No need for Tommy-Friendly clothes anymore! :)

I'm praying they'll ship it to where I'm at. If not, I'll need to find a really nice friend who can sew really well.

Yakult Shots

2009-07-21T12:11:00.006+08:00

I've been having a bad bout of hypo episodes over the past week. Racey heart, disorientation, wobbly feet, the works.

Finding Yakult in the fridge during a hypo is like finding an oasis in the desert. The sense of relief is like peeing after holding your pee longer than you should. Ok, maybe it's not that bad, but you get what I'm saying.

According to a Yakult guru aka Mom, you're not supposed to drink Yakult more than once a day. I can't remember the reason why though, but in any case, due to the frequency of lows I've been getting, I've drunk it more than once a day. Knowing how it contains teeny weeny micro organisms, I can imagine whatever's in it to be having a ball in my intestines.

But that's not the point.

See the tiny little tab on the top of the Yakult bottle? That's the point. When you're in desperate need of getting glucose into your system, the tiny tab makes a whole lot of difference when you need to rip off that aluminium and drink Yakult like a shot of tequila.

They only recently made their tabs this way and I just needed to say that the small difference they made has made a whole lot of difference to me.

Bravo, Yakult. I promise never to buy your evil twin that claims to be good for your digestion.

I miss You

2009-07-17T23:38:00.002+08:00

After promising Gerry that I'd be in church to help with the deco for confirmation, I made my way to church on a Tuesday evening. The whole notion of going down to church on a weekday evening was strangely familiar. It's been quite a while since I've done that since there hasn't been a need for me to be there on weekday evenings.

I realized what all these feelings were when I thought about it as I walked home from church. I miss serving God. I truly do. It's been a good year since I've taken a break and it sure is easy to neglect this very important part of Christian growth when life seems like a bed of roses without any responsibility in church.

Perhaps it's the reason I feel so distant from God. It's been a while since I lit the candle in my room and had a proper heart-to-heart with Him. Could it be true what St. Augustine said, that my heart is restless until it finds its rest in You?

I miss You. I truly do.

Dream Holiday

2009-07-06T23:10:00.002+08:00

Holidays are hazardous. At least to me it is. Perhaps the reason why I've been updating less and less about the condition of my health is simply because I've slackened in my regime. I honestly don't remember the last reading that I took on my meter and where my blood sugars have been.

That's what the holidays does. It zaps you of your determination to get your health in check because your mind is everywhere else. It's in times like this that I wish that I had a robot that followed me around that monitored my exercise, insulin and carb portions. It's difficult to disassociate a holiday from school and a holiday from my health. Isn't it ironic how a holiday's supposed to be enjoyable, relaxing and well, carefree, yet I find myself struggling not to do that to prevent the numerous repercussions.

My dream holiday isn't one on a beach in the middle of no where. I'm dreaming of a holiday from the hustle and bustle of diabetes. Just one weekend away from Tommy, carb counting, hypos and hypers.

Life would be perfect.

Or so I reckon.

I DID IT!

2009-06-24T23:41:00.007+08:00

Despite being down and out with a mild case of the flu over the past 2 days, I'm smiling as I type this entry.

If you remember, I set out on a quest a few months back to get my triglyceride ratios back on track. To get my LDLs down and my HDLs up. Guess what?

I DID IT!

Here are the results:

Total Cholesterol: 4.81 (optimal:<5.17)
Triglycerides: 0.56 (optimal:<1.71)
HDL Cholesterol: 1.86 (optimal:>1.03)
LDL Cholesterol: 2.71 (optimal:<2.58)
Total Cholesterol/HDL Cholesterol Ratio: 2.58 (optimal:<4.4)

Everything's within the normal range except the LDLs. It's never looked so nice before. Thank you for your prayers. :)

Just when I think I can't, He reminds me that I can.

Diabetes Forgetables

2009-06-06T00:02:00.003+08:00

I have a horrendous memory. I don't deny it. There are some diabetes-related stuff that I often forget, especially when I'm busy and preoccupied.

Working at a child care over the past week hasn't helped the situation. Having to take care of the younglings has been quite a feat both physically and mentally. The four-time hypo over 8 hours on Monday killed me mentally by the time I got home.

There are tonnes of things I tend to forget when it comes to managing diabetes. Over the past week, there were days where I forgot to:
1. Check my BSLs
2. Bolus
3. Take my medication
4. Readjust my basal rates

I will remember to remember.

I must remember to remember.

For Nothing.

2009-05-31T20:37:00.002+08:00

A1c of 8.1.
Pre-hypertensive.

I'm anything but optimistic.

What happens when you don't feel like fighting anymore? I guess it doesn't help that everything that I've done to try and improve the situation over the past 3 months was for nothing. I feel like I don't know how to do this anymore.

How can all this toiling have been for nothing?

To the Doctor's Office

2009-05-30T08:41:00.000+08:00

I'm off to the doctor's office.

Wish me luck!

Tommy-Friendly

2009-05-20T16:49:00.003+08:00

Bringing Tommy shopping is never easy. It's difficult to find something that's comfortable AND Tommy-friendly. You see, I've had to get some new pants/bottoms because those that I was using have become loose and annoying to be in because they don't quite fit properly. It depresses me a little when pretty things are Tommy Unfriendly i.e. no pockets. I used to be a fan of flair skirts, but ever since Tommy came along, they kinda got eliminated.

If I were a seamstress, I'd make all my clothes myself and make detachable pockets for all types of clothes. Then again, I would need to learn how to sew. Unfortunately, I didn't do well at Home Economics at school.

In any case, I'm a pocket-junkie now.

Glucagon

2009-05-12T23:19:00.004+08:00

Glucagon
Glucagon is an important hormone involved in carbohydrate metabolism. Produced by the pancreas, it is released when the glucose level in the blood is low (hypoglycemia), causing the liver to convert stored glycogen into glucose and release it into the bloodstream.
-Wikipedia

For diabetics, glucagon is used in the form of an injection since my pancreas is unable to perform that function. It is used when a really bad hypo causes me to become unconscious and physically unable to ingest any form of glucose to rectify the problem. I remember Warren asking Mom to keep stock of Glucagon when I was still a newbie at the disease and taught her how to use it.

I guess I never really valued storing it because I've never needed it ever, which is a good thing I might add because needing it would mean that I was really near death. It's no surprise back then though, since I was literally hyper half my life and would never have needed it anyway.

It only struck me the other day that I should consider storing some. When I found myself with a new record low of 1.2 and literally crying in front of the fridge because I couldn't think straight and my heart racing twice its normal speed, I knew that I was really close and that I was pushing my luck by not having it. Part of the reason why I'm taking it into serious consideration is due to the fact that it reacts way quicker than ingesting glucose, plus I wouldn't need to risk dying during desperate times like this.

I shall attempt to remember to ask Warren about it during my next visit.

The Number Ten

2009-05-10T22:25:00.003+08:00

I know it's been a while since I've come on to type an entry. It's largely due to the fact that exams are around the corner and although I can't say that I've been really diligent, not blogging makes me feel a little better about the situation. Heh...

It's the 10th of May 2009, I celebrate my 10th year of having diabetes today. It's a little surreal as to how far I've come and well, kinda annoyed as to how long more there is to go. But, we'll leave the pessimistic perspective for another day. I'm determined to take on a celebratory spirit and not harp on the things I cannot change.

I've made two lists of ten, since it seems to be the number that ties everything nicely together.

You might need the diabetes dictionary for this one. Click here!

Top 10 most annoying things about diabetes

1. Hunger
I remember hating to feel hungry because it meant either an extra jab or the possibility of having a high after. The fact that it's difficult to gauge how certain foods react with my body makes eating rather annoying especially when you can't help it.

2. Bruises on my tummy
Bruises like these are painful and really irritating!

3. Hypos in the middle of the night
I'm not a big fan of having my sleep interrupted let alone waking up with a sweaty forehead and a racing heart and scrambling for the fridge to bring my BSLs back up again.

4. The ups and the downs
On days when my blood sugars decide to go psychotic on me, it brings me on this rollercoaster ride emotionally and physically. It's the epitome of a bad day for me.

5. Waking up with a hypo or a hyper
Both ways, it's a horrible to start the day. Waking up hypo leaves me feeling really lethargic like I haven't rested the whole night. Hypers on the other hand, wake me up with this really uncomfortable feeling in my chest.

6. Bruises on my fingertips
When Warren calls for an intensive blood glucose monitoring, I'm especially susceptible to getting bruises on my fingertips when there calls a need for 7 times a day testing over a span of a week. Makes me wish I had more fingers...

7. Clothes that aren't Tommy-Friendly
I don't think I'm a very fashion conscious person, but clothes that don't have pockets (especially dresses) makes them very Tommy-Unfriendly since there isn't a space for him to abide snugly and comfortably.

8. Deceiving food labels
Remember the enemy? Boycott Nutrisoy!

9. Sharing the same bed as Tommy
I love Tommy, I really do. But his cord annoys me when I need to untangle him in the middle of the night. It's really not easy sharing a bed with this fella.

10. Assumptions
Perhaps this doesn't really count as something annoying, but assumptions that people make about the disease can be difficult to deal with. The thing about Tommy is that he gives me the freedom to eat anything. I do appreciate the choice sometimes to be able to reject or accept something that's assumed to be 'forbidden for diabetics.'

Top 10 Learning Lessons

1. Courage
I know I'm known to have a chicken heart, but diabetes has presented many opportunities for me to be courageous about both the disease and sharing about it with others. Sharing about this with people that I never expected to share this with helped me take giant leaps of faith in God and in the people I love.

2. Hope
In the many hopeless situations that I've encountered over the past 10 years with the disease, it's taught me lessons of being hopeful in a seemingly hopeless situation. It's in the hopelessness that has helped me appreciate the meaning of hope in the one who has walked before me.

3. God's amazing love
I think diabetes has given God airtime to show me that he loves me. Like I shared before, managing the disease is a lot like how God would have us lead our lives. It will never be easy taking His way, but it will be the surest way of joy, peace, hope and love.

4. Compassion
I think struggles help put us in positions that empathise and sympathise with others better. I don't claim to know what it means entirely to be compassionate, but being able to relate with similar experiences of my own has given me some small insight into the magnitude of God's compassion for His people.

5. The value of my mortality
It's precisely because I don't have perfect scores on my health status reports that makes this a little easier for me. It's true what they say, you don't miss something until it's gone. I don't really remember what it's like to not have diabetes having lived half my life with this. It has been a very central part of my life, even during the times when I didn't want it to be.

6. Myself
I know that anyone and in fact everyone can embark on a journey of self discovery. I guess it's a little different for me when this disease forced me to take on a more mature role in coping with it and accepting the disease. I remember very clearly when Mom was holding a teary-eyed me by the hospital bed when I was first admitted in the hospital and whispered in my ear, 'It's in God's plan. We just need to trust in Him.' I do believe now more than ever that God set me out on this path to get to know myself so much better and gain so much more ground on the person that He made me to be and who I can be.

7. Thankfulness
Even with the long list of things that I could complain about when it comes to managing this, I've learned to be grateful for the many other things that I take for granted that others don't have. There's definitely something to be thankful about. I just need to remind myself to look for them.

8. Trust in God
There's a saying that goes, 'Do your best and God will do the rest'. Making this cross an offering in a spirit of trust in Him has been extremely awe-inspiring for me. There were many incidences and traces of His hand holding mine that caught me whenever I fell. There isn't any other way but to trust in His ways. Surely, there were times when I felt that He was no where in sight, but I've been so blessed to be able to recognize later that He actually was in every cut and bruise that I took along the way.

9. Importance of exercise
I'm not a particularly active person and I didn't start to make a commitment to exercise regularly until about half a year ago. It's reaped many benefits in terms of my well being and in the managing of the complications related to the disease.

10. Amazing Grace
At the end of 10 years, the central and most important thing that I've learned is that in this state of His amazing grace, there is nothing that I cannot overcome. Even if I've to live with this the rest of my life, I take comfort in knowing that He's got His eyes on me, refining me in His fire.

Death of Tommy

2009-04-25T14:36:00.002+08:00

So Tommy has decided that he's sick of being dropped constantly and has died on me. And I'm waiting on his replacement, hoping that my BSLs aren't sky high right now. I wouldn't know really, because it'll be too demoralizing to take a test. This incident's gonna give my A1c another reason to look horrible. I just know it.

I haven't done a jab in ages and using the injection pen today felt oddly nostalgic. I still remember that I hate it and I really can't imagine going back to the 4 times a day injections.

I need to take better care of his predecessor. I will do my best to not drop him and treat him like he was part of my body.

Man, I can't believe this is happening. After a year of having Tommy around constantly, I've gotten so used to him that I actually feel kinda weird not having him around. Surely he's a pain in the ass because he's constantly stuck to me (quite literally), but without him, I feel handicapped and well, very very uncomfortable because my hyper symptoms are starting to show up.

Sheesh. Hate it!

St. Joseph

2009-04-20T22:47:00.003+08:00

I was deeply moved by this prayer as we read it as a small community of friends and family during the Novena Devotion at my place today. May it bless your heart too.

Glorious St. Joseph, model of all who are devoted to labour, obtain for us the grace to work in a spirit of penance for the expiation of our many sins; to work conscientiously, putting the call of duty above inclinations; to work with gratitude and joy, considering it an honour to employ and develop, by means of labour, the gifts received from God; to work with order, peace, moderation and patience, without ever recoiling before weariness or difficulties; to work above all with purity of intention and with detachment from self, having always death before our eyes and the account which we must render of time lost, of talents wasted, of good omitted, of vain complacency in success, so fatal to the work of God. All for Jesus, all for Mary; all after your example, O Patriach Joseph; such shall be our watchword in life and death.

Amen.

Hiding Place

2009-04-18T13:51:00.004+08:00

There's a comfort I find in the soft glow of the flame that's lighted during my quiet time before I go to bed every night. This time and place has become many things for me. Some days, He speaks to me through my reflections, often time reminding me to examine the cleanliness of my soul. Other days, it's the well from which I draw strength from.

During life's crucial times, my mind and body instinctively knows it as a hiding place amid all the noise from the world.

On days like this when I feel small and so alone, His still small voice resonates in the chambers of my heart.

Despite what the world thinks, says and does, it is His love that sustains unpopular belief in a world that seeks to take and not give.
Despite not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is His love that holds our hands through the journey.

I take joy in knowing that He has walked my path before through His death. And reigned victorious through His resurrection.

There's nothing left to feel but to be grateful. I pray that you may find the same joy during this victorious celebration.

Happy Easter!

Food Finds

2009-04-15T22:40:00.002+08:00

Every now and then, I like to experiment with snacks to see how they fare with the effects that they have on my blood sugars. If they raise my blood sugars really quickly, it's a no-go. Or if they're really yummy-licious, I'll buy it as a form of indulgence once in a while.

I really love Arnott's biscuits. But this little treat's extremely horrendous. It sends my BSLs shooting faster than you can read the end of this sentence. Just kidding.

They should have some other alternative that isn't 90% sugar. It's really nice! Especially when it's dipped in hot coffee. Yummy!

On the brighter side, I found Jell-O at Cold Storage! It's got no sugar and it serves about four cups per sachet. The only thing about it is, it's $2.15 per sachet. Sheesh. Good things don't come cheap.

Corrective Action

2009-04-14T22:22:00.002+08:00

So the doctor has ordered some intensive BGL monitoring over the next two days. I've not had a single un-hyper number today. Feels like ages since I saw a normal number on my meter. Boy, is Warren gonna have a field day solving this mystery.

If he can't figure out what's wrong with me, I don't know who can.

O God. Please don't stay out of this.

Diabetes Term Break

2009-04-13T22:12:00.002+08:00

I know that being on holiday from school doesn't mean that my health goes on holiday. I do admit though that I've slackened my regime over the past week when I was on term break. The incessant eating and less frequent than usual trips to the gym needs to be reversed!

On other things, my BSLs are getting extremely difficult to control. I honestly haven't a clue as to what's going on or why I'm hyper half the time. I can't afford to allow this to go on. Every hyper is building me a higher A1c.

I think it's time to drop the doctor an SOS...

Diabetes and Weight Loss

2009-04-07T01:36:00.002+08:00

DIABETES HIGHS

Losing weight is always a good thing. Right?
I often hear from out-of-control diabetics that they are losing weight. How can losing weight be a bad thing? They must be thinking, “Gosh, I don’t want to be a fat diabetic.” Would it surprise you to know that they are really saying, “I want to look good while I die.” As I dig a little deeper with these folks, they are typically out of control and continuously running high blood sugars. They will then note that they feel light headed and funny when their blood sugar goes below 90. They are scared of running too low and passing out. What they do instead is run on the high side and unwittingly and painlessly destroy their body, sight, and organs.

This is an excerpt from a book titled 'The Joy of Diabetes'. I wanted to post this because it reminded me of a point in time of my life that I've never shared with anybody. Does a mental check to double confirm the claim. Yes. I've never shared this with anyone before. It might take a while to explain some technicalities, but bear with me.

What happens with diabetics when they're constantly hyper is that they start to lose weight. The author of this book, Bob Hawkinson explains it quite clearly. I'll just rip his version of what causes the loss of weight here.

Their bloodstream is full of sugar molecules but not enough insulin. Insulin is the key to the door of all cells, particularly those of muscle, fat, and liver tissues. Without it, sugar molecules stay outside cells and can’t get in to provide energy. Thus, even though their bloodstream is full of sugar (potential energy), their cells are literally starving even as their blood sugar level is continually elevated.

Then a vicious cycle starts. With all this extra sugar in the bloodstream your body senses that something is out of balance. Sugar attracts water. As the blood sugar level rises in the bloodstream, water moves from inside the cells, joining the circulating sugar. The kidneys now have to work harder to rid the body of this excess volume of water in the circulatory system. The new dehydrated cells send messages to the brain indicating the need for more water. This is why a diabetic with high blood sugars will be extremely thirsty and have to urinate often.

With the technicalities over with, let's dig a little deeper to the real reason why some diabetics allow themselves to keep being high. I felt that Bob failed to nail the issue right on the head perhaps because he didn't go through it. I shall attempt to do so with my own experience.

When I hit about 13 or 14, I started to become really conscious about my weight. One of the things about insulin therapy back then with the twice a day jabs and when you didn't really have a clear idea of what was going on with your body due to the limited technology, it packed pounds onto your body. In other words, insulin made you fat. I jumped about 20kg in a year and a half!

I won't deny it. Getting through puberty with diabetes sucked big time. Thus far, I can honestly say that it was the worst phase of my life. Having to deal with finding your identity especially in an all girls school can be really stressful let alone having to deal with the unpredictability of the effects of the disease. When people would pass remarks about how I've put on weight, it really did take root in me. I guess at that age, even though I told myself that I was strong, I acted otherwise. The result of the self consciousness led to me deliberately not taking my insulin just so that it would make me lose weight.

I felt horrible most of the time because I was lethargic and drinking so much water that made me pee like 4 times an hour because my body was trying to get rid of all that sugar that it could not use out of my system. When my nurses questioned me about it, I simply dismissed it with forgetting to do my jabs.

Forgetting and deliberately not wanting to do it are two very different things. Right now, about 5 years after going through that phase, I still think that doctors and diabetes nurses are oblivious of this fact - that some patients, especially the female ones, deliberately not do their jabs because they want to lose weight to 'look good'.

Young and stupid? This must be one of the lessons that I had to learn the hard way. This whole not taking my jabs thing caused my A1cs to hit a 12 - 13 range and caused some complications with my kidneys.

Nevertheless, after I got out of it, it made me appreciate it. I would never have learnt that my looks are the least important part of the equation. If how I look in a dress is what equates me to being desirable, then I'm pretty sure you're not what I'm looking for. I would never have learnt to be 'thick-skinned' about rude remarks that really don't matter at the end of the day. If how I look is going to determine if I'm in your clique, then I really don't think the friendship would last.

I would never have learnt that God loves me just the way I am. Fat, tall, skinny, short, fat thighs, big arms or humongous ass. Part of struggling with this gave God lots of avenues to constantly remind me that I'm loved not for how I look.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that it's ok to be overweight. Again, exercising for your well-being and exercising just for the sole purpose of losing weight are two very very different things. I'm sticking to the former.

Diabetes Dictionary ver 1.0

2009-04-02T21:48:00.003+08:00

I realized when I read back on my old entries that I've been using a lot of diabetes jargon. Since a sharing isn't really a sharing when people don't know what the heck I'm talking about half the time, I thought this Diabetes Dictionary should be of some help.

Some of which are technical terms explained in my own words, and others are terms that I came up with.

1. BSLs/BGLs:
Blood Sugar Levels/Blood Glucose Levels. I usually refer to this as my numbers or the readings on my meter.

2. Normal range of BSLs:
Ideally, the normal range of BSLs should be between 4-8 mmol/L.

3. Hypoglycaemia/Hypo/Low:
This happens when my BSLs fall below 4. This varies in severity. Record number, not that I should be proud of it, was a 1.3. Severe hypos are below 3 for me.

4. Hyperglycaemia/Hyper/High:
It cracks me up whenever I say 'I'm high' because it gives some impression that I've been drinking or that I'm taking illegal drugs or something. When I say I'm high, I usually mean that my BSLs are above 8. I'll tell you if I mean otherwise. (hope that day never comes. haha)

5. Warren:
The name of my doctor. Calling him by name makes it a little less impersonal. After all, I've really known him for 10 years.

6. HbA1c/A1c:
Simply put, it's a test I do whenever I'm at the doctor's office. It's an average of my BSLs over the past 3 months. This test result should be between 5 - 6mmol/L. It's currently an 8.

7. LDLs:
It stands for low-density lipoprotein. It's the bad cholesterol that increases the risk of heart attacks. I've been talking a lot about this lately because I'm working to bring this test result down too. Haven't had normal LDLs since I was 11!

8. Blood Glucose Meter/Meter:
It's the device that measures my BGLs. I prick my fingers to insert the blood into a test strip that measures it. See pic below:

9. Test strip:
That's the strip that's inserted into the meter.

10. Insulin pump/pump/Tommy/Dwight/T.D:
That's what's connected to me 24/7. Tommy is its name. :) If you see me without it, something's really wrong.

11. Insulin:
It's the hormone that my body can't produce. It's really the medication that Tommy dispenses to my body. In other words, it's really the root of the problem. Haha.

12. Infusion site:
That's where the catheter of Tommy is inserted into my tummy. That sounded really wrong, but you get what I mean... Haha...

13. Lifesaver:
This usually means my glucose tablets. Due to the fact that it saves my life by raising my blood sugar quickly during a hypo, that's why it's got that name.

14. Basal:
That's the basic dose of insulin that Tommy delivers, not including the extra insulin that I give for meals to control my sugar levels.

15. Bolus:
It's the dose of insulin that I have to 'command' Tommy to send into my body by pressing his buttons before a meal. (love the play of words. hahahaha.) If I forget to bolus, it would result in a hyper after.

Phew. That's 15 terms. I'll update it again when I think of more. Have a blessed Friday!

Called to be Christian

2009-04-01T22:08:00.001+08:00

For I was hungry and you gave me food,
I was thirsty and you gave me drink,
a stranger and you welcomed me,
naked and you clothed me,
ill and you cared for me,
in prison and you visited me.
'Then the righteous will answer him and say,
'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you,
or thirsty and give you drink?
When did we see you a stranger and welcome you,
or naked and clothe you? When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?
'And the king will say to them in reply,
'Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.

Matt 25:35-40

'Lord, teach me to be like You.'

I usually say this to conclude my quiet time before I retire for the night. Today, I was presented with the opportunity to be like Him. Due to the sensitivity of the issue and the parties involved, I won't reveal what happened.

Being Jesus to others suddenly became so clear to me. Someone once told me that we are His hands, His feet, His heart, His body. What would Jesus do in such a situation? I learnt that more often than not, 'popular opinion' isn't God's opinion.

Being Christ-like was never meant to be easy. It's precisely because we are called to abandon what's easy and personify His love through our actions that makes it difficult. It means seeming 'uncool' and naive in the eyes of others. It means choosing the more difficult but right way. It means relying on Him to see us through the obstacles that we would face.

It's curious how being Jesus to others takes seeing Him in the hungry, the ill and the naked. It's not just the physical needs but it means seeing Him in those that hunger for attention and love, are ill with hopelessness and who are stripped of their dignity.

Lord, give me the courage to be like You.

Subconscious Activities

2009-04-01T00:40:00.002+08:00

15.1!

What an annoying way to start the day. I had to give 10.0 units of breakfast bolus (normal bolus of 4.5) just to bring the darn thing down. What the heck's going on while I sleep? Am I having some party during my sleep time? Or sleepwalking to the fridge to eat?

Graaaaaaaaaaaah!

Stress Related Hypers

2009-03-31T00:40:00.002+08:00

It's the last module before the exams and I'm running low on fuel. It's evident in my BSLs, eating habits and general energy level. More and more hypers are popping up from goodness knows where. I never seem to have enough sleep even on weekends when I sleep in.

I wonder if it could be stress related. I've had to deal with it on a few occassions especially when I was emotionally stressed with some project deadlines and major presentations. Just when I thought I've overcome the hypos, another mystery unfolds.

Grr. I really hate having to be Sherlock all the time especially when I'm Grumpy Frumpy.

Diabetes is not eco-friendly

2009-03-29T23:17:00.005+08:00

I've wanted to put up a post about this for a while now and with earth hour that happened over the weekend, I think now's a good time to talk about it.

I usually clear the small trash bag in my room about once a week. and it struck me one day about how much waste this disease produces. Look at how much aluminium foil there is just from the test strips!

Back when I was still using syringes, I would dispose about 7 syringes a week! Imagine the amount of plastic I had to throw away!

My dear earth, I'm really sorry!

Thank You

2009-03-27T01:16:00.006+08:00

This is an overdue post, better late than never right?

Walking to school this morning was really nice. I didn't know that in that half an hour journey, you can thank God for so many things! My thank You prayer seemed to synchronize with the rhythmic pace of my steps and the beating of my heart. One thank you prayer for every 10 steps I took. There are so many things to be thankful for, I realized. The list is so inexhaustible that I wasn't even near done when I reached the lecture theatre.

I thought about the numerous things that I take for granted. My abilities, His gifts in its many forms and His creation.

I could only stagger along with this sense of awe in my heart in realizing how very small and insignificant I really am. The God who put the stars in their place with His breath chose to live like me to die for me.

The highs and the lows

2009-03-25T22:58:00.003+08:00

10.8, 12.8, 3.8.

Not a single normal number today. Gets on my nerves when it's hard to gauge what the heck's going on. Grr.

Life doesn't fluctuate between highs and lows this quickly, this often. Something's up and I don't quite know what. Been seeing more and more hypers since I've come back from camp.

Part of the reason why I don't really know why I'm studying retail is because of this. The retail industry's really dynamic and fast-paced. Can I really handle two psychotic things at the same time? I'm really not known for my multi-tasking skills.

As we await You, O God of silence, we embrace Your holy night...

Hitting a Vein Mine

2009-03-24T22:02:00.003+08:00

When my infusion site has red in it, it means that it's been inserted into a vein. I kept wondering why it kept hurting whenever I delivered a bolus.

It bled out when I removed it. Took a good five minutes to stop the bloody thing. (pun very much intended.)

Sometimes, the things that are hurting us are within us. We just need to know how to let go and let God.

Brushes with Death

2009-03-23T22:07:00.004+08:00

There's a real danger in having low hypos during sleep time because it can sometimes result in a hypoglycaemic coma and sometimes even death. As much as I hope to not make a big deal out of it, it unfortunately is the reality of the situation. When I wake up in the middle of the night shaking with sweat all over my face, I know I just had a brush with death.

Being at camp over the past 3 days was admittedly a little scary. For one, I didn't know where my blood sugars were heading amid the hustle and the bustle of camp. Of the few times I tested, I did find my sugars a little on the high side and one morning when I was a little low. I thought it was the lack of sleep over the past 2 nights that made me wake up that tired, but I realized that it was because I was headed for a crash. Thankfully though, I woke up just in time to treat it.

I had another brush with death last night, but I didn't wake up to treat it. I think my body was too tired from camp to even realize that I was in that hypo state. Going to bed with a 4.6 on my meter seemed like it was ok, but I guess it didn't occur to me that it was on a downward trend. Waking up with a 20.6 (!!!) was a sure sign that my liver (over)compensated for that dip in my blood sugars and prevented me from getting myself in a coma.

It's really like God's grace. In the wear and tear that life sometimes throws at us, it's His abundant grace that keeps us safe and sustains us.

Goodbye Feelings, Hello Knowledge

2009-03-17T20:57:00.007+08:00

I draw a lot of relations of God to my disease because that's some weird connection that God has with me. Those that I remember are posted here. It's not entirely similar, but there are parallels that I draw from the small incidences that in fact has bits of learning lessons packed in them.

The strangest thing happened with my blood sugars today. It's common sense for a person living with diabetes to know that right after a meal, you will not get a hypo. Simply because the carbohydrate that's in it will give you a slight hyper rather than a hypo (if you're managing you're insulin correctly, that is.) But I got a 2.7 on my meter about half an hour after my meal. It was a 7.8 before that. How can that be? It should be impossible to do that. If I know my body as well as I thought I did, then how could this happen?

Before I got into a fit of getting annoyed about it, something struck me. It's in these small little annoying things that teach me a little bit more about how my body reacts. If I wasn't doing 5-times-a-day checks on my blood sugar levels, I wouldn't have known that the reaction of insulin on my body peaks about 45 mins after it's been delivered.

There's a saying that goes, familiarity breeds contempt. Like God, the more I rely on what's familiar about Him, like the isolated places that I remember Him and the textbook answers about Him, the more I take Him for granted. I guess being comfortable with the little knowledge that I have about God has been the reason for the spiritual dryness that I've encountered during my spiritual journey.

Having lived with diabetes for a decade, you would think that I should at least have some knowledge about how my body reacts to certain foods or exercise. On the other hand, I know very little about it. To tell the truth, I've learnt more about my body in the past month than I did in the past nine years because thankfully for persevering through all the testing of my blood sugar levels and making mental notes about the dos and don'ts that's specific to my body. I used to only know roughly how much would constitute an overdose of insulin and roughly how much is eating too much, but if you ask me now, I can tell you the exact dosing and exact portions.

Much like God, I know the general terms associated with Him, like love, patience, kindness, forgiveness. But I'm not sure I can say specifically how all these played out in the Bible. Sitting through Bible study with Scott Hahn has made me realize how very little I know about God. And there's so much material out there to learn about Him.

The decision to get my blood sugars under control was something that I needed to do on my own. Not my doctor, Mom or anyone else for that matter. Now, I'm learning so much about my body and how to take care of it.

I think learning about God, the Church and the faith is also a decision. Being comfortable with what I already know has done nothing for me. My relationship with God was dictated by how I felt and not by my knowledge of His greatness and power.

Goodbye feelings, hello knowledge. :)

Filled and Overflowing

2009-03-15T23:28:00.000+08:00

There are days when I feel really full of God's love, filled and overflowing. I think it's because He knows that I'm going to need it for the rest of the week. Much uncertainty lies in the next seven days.

Less than 5 days to get the groundwork for the project done. Less than 5 days to get prep for camp sorted. I'm praying harder than ever.

So little time, yet on God's time, there's still time to remind me that He loves me.

Black, White and Gray

2009-03-12T19:25:00.008+08:00

We were talking about ethical considerations for a retail buyer in class just yesterday where Prof. Freathy pointed out some issues that were clearly wrong like using suppliers who use child labour or who bribe buyers so that they are guaranteed business. He also pointed out some other ethical issues that were ‘gray’. For example, should a buyer be able to ask for exclusivity rights from a supplier or ask for compensation for slotting in the supplier’s new merchandise?

This reminded me about Eric’s session on overcoming the gray areas in our life. Gray being not clearly wrong and not clearly right either. Neither black nor white, but gray. It’s been a few years now, but I still remember it quite vividly in my mind. He brought us to the passage of Jesus’ temptation in the desert (Matt 4:1-11) He asked us the oddest question. He said, ‘Jesus was in the desert for forty days and was hungry. When the devil asked him to turn the stones into loaves, was that a good thing?’

We all knew in our minds that it wasn’t a good thing because of the way Jesus responded to the devil. But he told us to think about it logically. Since Jesus was hungry, how was turning the stones into bread a bad thing? He said, 'Think about it logically. If you're hungry, if you had the power to turn stone into bread, it isn't a bad thing because you're merely feeding yourself.' It didn’t take much convincing for us to be persuaded that turning the stones into bread was in fact a good thing. And that was exactly the reality of the situation.

It was a good thing.

But was it the best thing to do?

The gray areas that we encounter in our life, do we do just what’s good? Or what’s best?

I was faced with such a gray issue when reading Kerri’s blog the other day. Obama has reversed the stem cell policy to fund research for embryonic stem cell research. This could potentially find a cure for diabetes and bring hope for the thousands living with the disease. This could mean that I might no longer need Tommy attached to me anymore and have to prick my fingers 5 times a day. It would mean no more hating horrible hypos and having erratic effects of the disease. No more living with the possibility of the numerous complications.

But I could never support this. How many innocent embryos would have been annihilated before they could or could not find a cure? There is a holocaust hidden behind the walls of these laboratories that deprives these lives of ever being able to move, live and breathe.

Please say a decade of the rosary with me tonight for the hearts of the people in power and for the little darlings that will not live to see life outside a petri dish.

Read the article here.

Christian Living

2009-03-11T21:51:00.003+08:00

I usually read the day's Gospel before I go to sleep and reflect on the things that God has to say for that day. Monday's Gospel reading from Luke 6:36-38 was short and simple and yet very straightforward. There is a link on the USCCB website on daily video reflections where a priest gives a sort of short homily. What he said struck me because he said that Jesus summed up what it means to be Christian in that very short passage. There were 5 ways that are simple to know yet difficult to achieve.

1. To be merciful
2. To not judge
3. To not condemn
4. To forgive
5. To love and give with all our hearts

I refer to the blog post dated March 6 2009 titled 'Hate Herbalife'. This passage struck a chord within me particularly because I wasn't the most merciful with my words and was extremely judgmental about their attitude and desperation to push their product. To some extent, I condemned them for being ignorant and arrogant.

The fact of the matter is that nobody would blame me for the things that I said about them. But this passage was a reminder for me to not seek the approval of others, but pursue the things that pleases God. I do still feel bitter about what happened, but it makes it a little easier to remember that God loves these 2 ladies just as much as He loves me.

During this 40 days of purification set out for us, perhaps you'd take up the challenge too to speak, think and show love.

If you haven't joined us, it's not too late!

Hilarious Hypos

2009-03-10T22:51:00.007+08:00

I posted one entry a while back titled 'Hating Horrible Hypos' which expressed my utter dislike for it because it made me really tired and feel as though I haven't eaten in days.

I found myself laughing until I almost tipped over when I was in the middle of treating one and took this picture.

I was so hungry that I was eating 2 things at once! I was eating agar agar (courtesy of Jo's mom) and some yoghurt bar at the same time! I was literally holding the spoon in one hand and chomping down the yoghurt bar simultaneously. It took me a moment to realize how silly I must have looked to realize it was a sort of self-made comedy.

As much as I hate it most of the time, finding reasons like these (especially those that induces laughter) makes this cross a little easier to carry.

And I'm truly grateful for it. Maybe you'd find some joy in the crosses you carry too. :)

Panic Shmanic

2009-03-09T21:34:00.007+08:00

pan-ic:

[noun]

a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals

Holding $1450 worth of Jason Mraz tickets can cause a panic attack. Made me count the number of tickets over and over again to make sure I didn't lose any. I think paranoia can cause panic.

Another thing that made me panic today was my dear ol meter.

Don't get me wrong, I really like the way it fits nicely into one small pouch, but its black colour camouflages it with the colour of most of my bags. Coming home and not being able to see it in my bag almost gave me a heart attack. Therefore, I decided to take some precautionary measures.

I slot this bright green card in one of the compartments to plead with any soul that picks it up to return it. I wrote my address and handphone on the back.

Oh, the measures we take to put our minds at ease...

Bad Choices

2009-03-08T21:24:00.004+08:00

I often run into a problem of not wanting to be truthful with myself about the state of my health. Many times, it's only a month or two down the road that I come to terms with this state of denial that I've allowed myself to sink in to, and then going through that whole cycle of taking corrective action in changing the things that I eat, how often I exercise, etc.

To break out of this vicious cycle, I thought I'd better address it before I find myself sitting in Warren's office with yet another horrible looking A1C.

I've mentioned before that things can take a 180 degree turn in my state of health within a matter of hours. Eg, from a hypo to a hyper if I overeat to treat a low or did not give enough bolus for it.

My numbers have been on a major rollercoaster this past week. From hypos at 4pm to hypers of 11-16 before I sleep. Since the hypos are still a work in progress, it's the hypers that's a trend that needs to stop. It's been the worst serial case of hypers that I've had in about 6 weeks. I could blame it on having a more relaxed week and dined out more, or that it's the changes in the basal, but I guess deep down, I know that it's really because of the choices that I've made this week. I know some of you who I've dined with over the week read my blog and you don't have to feel bad if we chose to eat at these places together, because I take full responsibility for not choosing better.

I really shouldn't have had Carl's Junior for dinner on Tuesday. I couldn't have crippled my body more with the amount of sodium and fat in that meal. Chocolate bread wasn't a wise choice for a snack because the chocolate filling was sugar loaded and the carbohydrates in the bread didn't make it any better. I chose to eat more than I had already eaten by adding another serving of carbohydrates over the past 7 days which were fried and really could have been excluded from my meals. Carbohydrate loaded meals at Little India was manageable, only if I didn't choose to eat so much carbohydrate that was on the table. A little too much Naan and Briyani rice. I knew it, but chose to eat it anyway.

It's one thing to give my body some sort of break once in a while, but all these choices over the course of just a week? Probably not. At some point, I know that it's not worth the compromise. I still want to achieve my goal of having lower LDLs by May! I need to stop this right now. I'm going back to soups, salads and homecooked meals tomorrow. Pray for me!

Hate Herbalife!

2009-03-06T22:45:00.003+08:00

Nothing irks me more than people who claim to know what they're talking about when in fact aren't even close to having the slightest clue.

I spent the day walking around town today after meeting Jo for lunch and running some errands. I figured I would walk to City Hall since I still had about and hour before the time to meet Mom for Stations of the Cross at the Cathedral. With a 5.6 on my meter and a pretty strong feeling that it was on a downward trend, I bought some chocolate bread from Sun Moulin. Just finished eating it before 2 ladies from Herbalife approached me. They asked if I could spare them 10 minutes to do a survey. So I said yes since I had time on my hands anyway and followed them. This was when the whole fiasco began.

Firstly, I didn't expect them to take me to the office to try and sell me some protein-based product that costs $130 and took half an hour instead of the 10 minutes that they said to complete some 'survey'! Some 'survey' it was! Then, they took my height and weight and some body fat test which apparently told me that my body's metabolism burns fat like a 33 year old. It's ok if it's true, but the way she put it across was as though it's the end of the world and that nothing matters more in this world than your weight. They asked me about the food that I typically ate and apparently, it's not good for you. This is what I told them that I ate.

Breakfast: Bread with some stuff (depending on Mom's mood and what's in the kitchen)

Lunch: Rice with protein and vegetables

Tea: Quaker bars/ bread

Dinner: Rice with stuff that's homecooked

My daily intake of food is about 2000 calories/day, which is normal for an adult. On days that I go to the gym, it's 1700 calories/day. According to those 2 geniuses, 2000 calories/day is too much and 1700 calories is apparently just ok. It's not just ok dammit, it's pretty darn good by my dietician's standards.

What pissed me off even more was when she assumed that my doctor was the type of uncaring doctor that only saw his patients for 15 mins per visit. She said, maybe your doctor only sees you for 15 mins every 3 months, but we're willing to sit with your for hours. Oh please lah! I see Warren for at least 45 minutes to an hour each visit. Plus, I see him once a month or once in 2 months depending on whether I need a consultation. It's one thing to diss my eating habits, but it's another to diss my doctor.

According to her, this product could possibly take me off insulin and I wouldn't have diabetes anymore. I told her right there and then that 'Don't blame me for being skeptical, but if that were true, then there wouldn't be so many people still living with Type 1 Diabetes Mellitus.'

She went on to ask, are you heavier this year than you were last year? I said, "No, in fact I've lost some weight because of exercise. You know, this thing that's the real remedy for weight loss?" Ok, maybe I didn't say that last bit, but by this time, I was giving them weird expressions and desperately wanting to get out of that stupid place.

To top it all off, they claim that bread and rice aren't complex carbohydrates. Apparently, they're simple carbohydrates. OMG! How incorrigible can they get? Even a Sec 3 Science student can laugh at you for saying that. ARGGGH! I'm so annoyed! You ran into the wrong person to sell your 'miracle protein shake' to. I don't care how it may have worked for you or your other clients, but your ignorance and sheer arrogance just helped you generate a whole lot of negativity about your brand.

I don't care if you've got 28 years of experience in the industry or 60 million customers worldwide or if you lost like 1000 kg. Gosh. Horrible!

Wizard of ooohs and aahhhs and fa lah lahs...

2009-03-05T12:22:00.003+08:00

I'm so excited! :)

Holey Moley

2009-03-04T23:06:00.004+08:00

This is what my tummy looks like right now. I had such difficulty finding a new spot for Tommy when the whole surface of my tummy has so many holes on it.

I'm still considering whether to change the site to my thigh instead, but I don't know how that would work out with going to the toilet and everything. I've a feeling I might drop Tommy into the toilet bowl. I did try putting it on my back before, but I think it's a vein mine there. I tried it once but when I removed it, it wasn't only the cannula that came out a good half a cup of blood gushed its way out. Was probably aching to be released over the 3 days that it was constipated.

Grr. Need more space on my tummy!

Guilty Pleasures

2009-03-03T23:27:00.002+08:00

I ate Carl's Junior for dinner today. Feeling too full after the meal to walk is probably the reason why I'm extremely hyper now with a 13.5 on my meter and needing an extra 4.5 units of insulin to correct that mistake.

You know, I've been seeing a lot of parallels with my disease and reality. Seeing a lot of God in many aspects of it and matching how many situations that my diabetic drama relate to how life is. The meal at Carl's Junior today drew one such relation for me today.

The thing about diabetes is that a long period of bad control would subsequently lead to complications like blindness, amputations, renal failure and a whole host of other problems. In order to ensure that I don't go down that path, it's a everyday decision that I need to make to make sure that my BSLs are monitored to fall within the normal range.

Like I shared before, there were periods of times where I made the decision to not care about the whole thing and let it deteriorate from bad to worse. From constant hyperglycaemia which seemed like a small thing at first, to consequences of infections, enlarged liver high LDLs and the list goes on.

I found that when I was hyper during those times, I started feeling really lethargic all the time and had this constant need to drink water. Nothing too difficult to deal with, but it slowly ate at my state of health and resulted in some minor complications.

Isn't that like how sin is? It really all starts with the small sins, the effects of it are often small and barely noticeable. With no corrective measures to check on our state of being, we get submerged deeper and deeper into it.

Checking my BSLs frequently is like the examination of conscience. Checking my blood sugar levels is like checking up on my soul and bringing my sins to my awareness. Knowing my blood sugar levels would then tell me how I should react to it. How much insulin do I need to correct a hyperglycaemia? Or how much do I need to eat to overcome hypoglycaemia? Deciding on the appropriate action to take is like going to the confessional for the Sacrament of Reconciliation with the promise of trying not to sin again.

I know that I'm definitely going to fall into sin again much like how I know my blood sugar levels won't always be perfect. But it's the heart for perfection that I wouldn't want to lose.

No more, no less

2009-03-02T23:43:00.005+08:00

Something struck me at the gym today. Usually, I would aim to do half an hour on a cardio machine and then be done with my exercise for that day. I make sure that I burn at least 270 calories so that I know that I'm at least progressive in my exercise and not letting my muscles get too used to the workout. No more, no less.

I would increase the intensity of the workout when I start to perspire less than usual at the end of the 30 mins. I guess it's no compromises that way if I work out that way so that I can ensure that i keep the insulin sensitivity up and require less insulin.

It's much like how God is in tough times. He definitely could pull us out of our difficult situations, but if we haven't gotten to the stage where we've been made to sweat, it would be impossible to learn a lesson or realize certain things. The possibilities of what we could learn or realize is so vast and broad because there's no sure definition in the way He works. I don't mean to say that God is a sadistic God, but I do know that there's so much that I've learnt in my trials. Although most of the time I only realize it a long time after it happens, I can safely say, there's bound to be something worth thinking about and cherishing embedded within the difficulty.

Perhaps the fullness of His plan hasn't unfolded yet.

The Fact of the Matter

2009-02-28T14:33:00.005+08:00

Kerri's tagline on her Six Until Me blog is
'Diabetes doesn't define me, but it helps explain me.'

I've been pondering about whether there is truth in that statement and whether I can identify with it. After putting much thought into it over the past few days, I've finally come to a conclusion.

Perhaps the reason why I was struggling with what this statement is trying to say is because it comes across as a 'I've conquered diabetes' kinda way.

The fact of the matter, at least in my situation, is that there are days when I want to just curl up in my bed and wish I didn't have to change my infusion site and fret over whether I'm going to have a hyper episode or a hypo episode after every meal. The fact of the matter is that I hate when I have horrible starts to days when a hypo defines the beginning of it. The fact of the matter is that in many ways, there are times I still feel broken about having to live with it even after blogging about feeling healthier and seeing progress in my state of health. The fact of the matter is that I get so sick and tired of counting carbs and keeping track of where my sugars are bringing my energy level. The fact of the matter is that there are days like this that I can still feel diabetes has defined who I've become. Easily irritable, self conscious and pessimistic.

Surely, it does explain me, it explains a lot of questions that people have in their minds but wouldn't ask. Things like why does she have this pager-like thing attached to her all the time? Why does she prick her finger on purpose before eating?

It explains why I get migraines during 'hypo seasons'. It explains why I put on weight after I'm back on intensive insulin therapy. It also explains the reasons for having developed a dislike for excessive smoking and drinking. It explains how my life can spiral out of control with no one knowing. It explains why I would rather hear you talk about you than me about me.

I'm glad that Kerri has that sort of attitude towards her diabetes. I can't say that I am where she is right now, but I hope I'm getting there.

Can you believe it?

2009-02-26T22:00:00.003+08:00

My total daily dose of insulin has dropped dramatically ever since I restarted my exercise regime. My daily total basal has dropped from 30 units to 21.05 units/day!

There are a number of factors (other than exercise) that have decreased my insulin resistance. It’s been about 3 and a half weeks since I did a drastic cut down of unhealthy food. I think less oily food increases insulin sensitivity. This has been evident in the psychotic drops in my blood sugars (still working on it!).

I’ve been drinking Green Tea everyday ever since I discovered its benefits and I think it’s really helping! I found that it doesn’t give you that adrenaline rush that the caffeine in coffee does and is a great perk-me-up that doesn’t make you feel like you took steroids. Although at the end of the day, the main reason for this turnaround that my health has seen is largely due to the exercise.

Say what you like, but exercise truly is good for you. I used to think that it wasn’t important and that there are other ways to keep healthy. But if the heart ain’t pumpin, there’s no other way to reap the benefits of it. No slimming pill, weight loss gimmicks or changes in your diet can substitute it. It hasn’t been the only thing that’s responsible for my increased insulin sensitivity, but it’s helped shed some weight too.

Can you believe it?

Never in the history of my life with diabetes have I ever expected to be struggling to lower my insulin doses because I was becoming ‘oversensitive’ to it. I was accustomed to having not enough insulin and experiencing hyp-ers rather than hyp-os.

Amazing. God.

Mommy's Hypo

2009-02-25T22:25:00.002+08:00

Today marks the start of Lent. As most Catholics probably did as well, Mom fasted for the occassion.

She came home telling me about how she couldn't keep herself awake during the day and that she was so tired that she knocked out on the company bus on the way home. She ate bread almost as soon as she got home because she was absolutely famished.

Famished, tired and sleepy from not enough food. Sounds a little too familiar doesn't it? I told her, maybe you were experiencing a hypo. It's not abnormal that people without diabetes experience symptoms of having low blood sugar. It's just that their body reacts accordingly to ensure that it doesn't result in a dramatic ending and raises the blood sugar by using the reserves stored up in the liver.

So if you did a fast today and felt like how Mom felt, you pretty much had yourself a small experience of a hypo.

I do hope your start to Lent was great!

I'm a little excited yet nervous about the whole season of Lent. This is one of the reasons why. Sign up today!

Let's talk Strategy...

2009-02-24T21:39:00.003+08:00

Strategy is the new 'in' word.

Other than the fact that I can spend up to 7 hours in school talking to my 4 groupmates about it for our Marketing Strategy assignment, it's been on my mind the remaining waking hours of my day.

Seems like I haven't been able to overcome the numerous hypos. I had low readings like 3 times yesterday! They were all 2-type numbers that left me agitated and really really tired at the end of the day. When I lit my praying candle, I was face down talking to God and practically whining throughout our conversation.

So I'm strategising on how to prevent lows and keep my BSLs in the normal range. Could have overdid it a little and starved my body of basal insulin before lunch time when I adjusted the reading down. Got a reading of 10.0mmol/L. Wow. Rare high number. Kinda reminds me that I'm still very diabetic. On the flip side, I did hypo once during project meeting (thank goodness for Quaker in the trustee Lifesaver) and another time before dinner. That's a double combo! Need to figure out this whole thing! It's really starting to get on my nerves.

In any case, Warren's still very much in the loop and giving me advice and the flexibility to figure things out on my own.

This is what he wrote in one of his email replies when I asked if I should lower my basal.

Yes, the gym programme is really working, so you can keep dropping the insulin dose.
Baseline is 0.5 x body wt in kg /24 hrs for total daily dose…call me first if you need to dip below that total
You know, pump patients have a really good insight into how insulin resistance falls with exercise
I would love to be able to plot your daily insulin requirement vs time and duration and weeks of exercise programme.
Dr Lee

Thank God, I've got an amazing doctor.

Feet Matters

2009-02-23T18:38:00.006+08:00

I was always taught that my feet are extremely important and to always wear comfortable footwear because bad footwear can cause a host of problems that could potentially cause infections and amputations.

I've been eyeing this pair of Converse shoes for the longest time now and when the gah-ment paid out $400 for the rising living and GST costs, I sprang at the opportunity to get me a new pair of shoes. I don't regret making the purchase for a whole string of reasons.

Namely:

1. I try and walk to school everyday for (more) exercise and good comfortable shoes are a good investment.

2. Gives me another reason to walk to school more and save money!

3. They're really comfortable

4. Wearing shoes keeps my feet snug and protected

5. Decreases the possibilities of incidences like this (see below)

Lifesaver Kit

2009-02-22T21:21:00.006+08:00

I packed me a Lifesaver kit today for the just in case times. Warren said that constantly crashing will destroy my short term memory. It's funny when he said it because now I get to tell people that my short term memory isn't my fault! It's from all the lows that I've been getting. Pris, I hope you're reading this! Hahaha...

Anyway, this is what's in my Lifesaver.

I've got me some mentos, the glucose tablets which I finally got down to buying, a Quaker bar for the complex carbohydrates after a hypo or for hunger sake, a hair clip and a rubberband for days that I hate my hair, Tommy's clip for clipping him to bottoms with no pockets, a plastic bag for eco-friendly shopping, plasters for obvious reasons, and batteries for when Tommy goes low on energy.

Speaking of Tommy's batteries, I found a container to keep them in!

Ta-da! Absolutely genius right! Reusing old stuff makes me feel like such a tree hugger. Love it. :)

Conversations with the Doctor

2009-02-22T00:44:00.003+08:00

So today was the day that either made or broke me. Ok, the reality of the situation isn't that dramatic, but I could feel my heart thump in a psychotic-nervous kinda way as the machine processed my A1c results. I didn't use to get nervous over it because I always expected horrible results. Perhaps it's a good thing that I now get all rattled when waiting for it. Could be telling of how I'm caring more and maybe feeling like there is hope after all. Even for a person of the likes of me.

The results weren't ideal, it's now 8.1. (it was 7.1 in December) I couldn't help but feel disappointed about it because I wanted it to be better. My aim's 5.5-6 actually. Then again, doing a crash course in 3 weeks and hope for a good number should have been indicative of not having too high hopes. A little like the foolish student who hopes he can do well when he hasn't studied the whole semester and crams everything he can a night before the exam. I shouldn't have expected too much, because I know it wasn't realistic to have that type of expectation.

Much to my own surprise though, I'm not as affected by it as I thought. Part of what this whole disease has taught me is that there will be good times and there will be horrible times, much like what life is about. What's important is how we pick ourselves up from the tough times and (sometimes with much needed assistance) to outdo ourselves. Before I start sounding like some incorrigible motivational speaker, I shall make my point.

I've faced some rather challenging times in the past decade. From constantly forgetting my jabs to wanting to just throw away all the meters and devices that helped sustain me. It's certainly been a hell of a rollercoaster ride. God has such an amazing way of delegating that he chooses the best people for the right job to teach us a certain lesson. Even the inconsiderate, pompous people were probably handpicked to teach us a thing or two about His virtues. I think God picked Warren to show me perseverance.

I would definitely hate me if I were my doctor. I've had infections, long periods of bad A1c numbers, an enlarged liver, mild kidney complications, wounds that won't heal and unhealthy weight loss due to poor control. That's only the physical frustration that he's had to deal with when it came to me. It included emotional issues when I was on an insulin boycott and indiscriminate eating. I'd take the award for worst patient ever now.

In any case, throughout every low point that I faced, I never heard him complain once and lecture me about how I shouldn't eat this or shouldn't do that. He's always been optimistic about how we could approach the problem in a different way and solve it together as a team.

There was once when I felt like I couldn't do it any longer and broke down in his office. He knew that I was on a burnout because the dreariness of it all was evident in how my log book was practically empty and admitted me for about 2 days so that I could let the nurses in the hospital take care of me and give me a 'diabetes holiday'.

I was just telling Mom today how I hated this other doctor that I had to see because Warren couldn't make my appointment one of those days. He was totally judgmental about my state of health and even used my almost empty log book as an example of a 'bad diabetes patient' at one of the diabetes camps. Luckily God made me strong enough to deal with that and all the other issues. What this other doctor failed to understand was what Warren understood perfectly. Many times, a patient's terrible state of health is a symptom of larger issues that he/she is facing.

I'm really grateful for Warren because he's been that small voice that's constantly reminding me to take care of myself and who helps me get back on track. He's been charting the way and a source of hope in the many hopeless situations. Talk about seeing Jesus in the face of others!

I truly am thankful for Warren. :)

Vintage

2009-02-20T15:14:00.012+08:00

I have a drawer at home that keeps all my diabetic stuff. I haven't cleaned it out in about 5 years I think(could be more). Imagine how much old stuff I found! Thank goodness there wasn't a rotting sandwich or something wedged beneath everything.

I can open a diabetes museum with the things that I found in it. I don't even know if some of these companies that manufacture these products are still around. Seems like Medtronic's become a very large player in the market.

This is some of the stuff that I found in that crummy ol' drawer.

This was my very first meter. This has become so outdated because it only tells you your blood glucose reading and doesn't indicate the time and the date. Love my current meter by the way. Used to hate how this meter had a really slow way and ineffective way of reviewing past BSLs. There aren't even buttons on it to press. No buttons = obsolete meter. The strips expired in like 2005!

I thought I'd thrown away all my syringes because they expired after a while when I stopped using them. But I found the sole survivor after all these years. Gosh. I haven't used syringes in like at least 6 years. Seeing this thing again made me feel a little nostalgic. I remember the first and the last time Mom ever gave me a shot at the hospital because she bruised me. B-D doesn't even sell alcohol swabs in this colour now. They still look pretty much the same, but they're orange in colour now. My Novopen that I used to carry around. I had two in my lifetime and this one's pretty new. I really don't know what to do with it now especially since I don't have a reason to use it anymore. This thing used to accompany me to the toilet when I needed to take my shots. Thank goodness that nightmare's over.

My virgin pump! I hated it because the battery constantly died on me and these batteries are impossible to find. It was such a relief to find that Tommy ran on AAA batteries. This is such old technology now.

This pen was used to dispense Glargine. For so much more that I was paying for than my insulatard-actrapid mix, it reaped horrible results. I guess it could work for other people, but didn't work for the type of person that I am and my lifestyle. I think this company's ripped me off the most so far. Horrible.

Goodness. Who could forget my 2 little bottles? I brought these to Australia with me when I was 11 to keep my Insulatard and Actrapid safe. It's just plastic bottles, but they ensured that the bottles didn't break and prevent them from getting frozen in the cooler.

I haven't kept a log book for a long time. I found this really old log book from 2001 and there were like 4 pens in there. I think they often got lost in the mess of things in that drawer that's why I needed to keep finding new pens. Cracks me up.

It's been a nice trip down memory lane. I'm even more thankful now for the technology that's given me better control.

A1c Phobic

2009-02-20T00:02:00.002+08:00

I can't help but feel more and more nervous as Saturday approaches. It's like waiting the release of the results of some major examination. It's rather similar in that sense because I'll be taking an A1c reading at the doctor's office on Saturday when I meet with Warren for a routine review.

My last number was 7.1 which jumped from a 6.3 in a month because of some bad choices that I made during that 4 week period. I really don't know what to expect since my day to day BSLs were rather ugly looking prior to February. Holidays can make your numbers look really atrocious because I tested less and didn't really monitor what I ate. I reckon I was running about 13s to 14s most of the time.

The A1c reading's like a benchmark for everything. If it's bad, take more medication. If it's bad, take complementary tests to make sure nothing else has gone wrong. Worst of all, if it's bad, it injures my morale terribly.

When I was 13 years old or so, back then when I used to administer insulin with a syringe and mix fast acting and slow acting insulin, and before rebellion set in, I would take my BSLs rather regularly. I remember that I would have horrendous looking pre dinner glucose levels and would feel really terrible about it. I had no idea what the heck to do about it and why it just seemed so darn difficult to get decent numbers. I didn't know how to deal with the disappointment of being hyperglycaemic that it made the situation worse because it made me not want to test since it was going to be the same result at the end of the day.

Perhaps this is the reason why I'm a sort of an A1c-phobic. If at the end of the day, it would still seem impossible, then why am I even trying so hard?

Healthy Foods.

2009-02-18T17:32:00.007+08:00

I tend to linger a lot longer in the supermarket these days when I do grocery shopping with Mom. In retail terms, my retention time at the supermarket has significantly increased. On my quest to lower my LDLs, it's imperative that I find healthier alternatives. Thus the longer dwell time to check food labels.

I must admit, the past two weeks haven't been easy. Fighting the urges to choose the soupy stuff over the oily things can really be a torture. I've given in on a few occassions like eating bak chor mee after mass on Sundays and Yong Tau Foo with chilli instead of soup. Though, I did choose to eat meals at home than indulge in prata and choose corn instead of ice cream at McDonald's. Give and take, it's some progress.

I've found some interesting things on my supermarket adventures. Did you know that a good alternative to Milo is Hershey's Unsweetened Cocoa? A cup of sweetened Milo is an absolute nightmare for one with diabetes because it spikes your blood sugar levels quicker than the insulin can react. Did you also know that Betty Crocker's pancakes have less carbs than all the other brands that are on the shelf of NTUC?

I also found my new favourite cereal.

Post's Blueberry Morning. It's a really healthy type breakfast because the majority of their carbohydrate are complex carbs rather than just sugar which is characteristic of the popular cereals like Honey Stars and Koko Krunch. Keeps you full longer and prevents hypos before lunch.

Anyway, I found a really great snack when I got hungry after school today. I made a cup of Hershey's Unsweetened Cocoa with Splenda as sweetener and milk, and made a coney dog with the leftover spaghetti sauce from yesterday. Total amount of carbs: 20g! That's equivalent to a third of Nutrisoy's Reduced Sugar Soy Milk. Why settle for unhealthy when you could have so much more with what's healthy? I don't mean to sound like a glut, but feeling fuller with less carbs is simply perfect. I love new finds!

So far, so good

2009-02-18T16:56:00.005+08:00

I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about my BSLs and revised regime. It's been about 17 hours since I changed my basal rates. From my levels today, I'm thinking, so far, so good. I woke up with a 4.2 today instead of a number in the 2-ish range. Hooray! Though it's riding cautiously on the low side, I think it can be adjusted a little to help me wake up with a 5 kind of level just to be safe.

I did get a low pre lunch reading of 3.7. Luckily it wasn't quite such a drastic and quick drop in my sugar levels. Manageable hypo. Some carrot-green apple juice did the trick! So far, so good. Since I moved up my afternoon basal to start at 3pm instead of 5pm, I expected a hyper reading because my body wasn't used to having less insulin so early. But when I took a reading when I got home at about 4.30, it was 6.1! Perfect number. So far, so good!

I looooooove it! I feel like I'm finally starting to understand the mechanics of my body and how to adjust T.D to its needs. Warren said that in time, when I finally understand how my body reacts to food and exercise, and with the help of T.D, he would eventually become obsolete as my endocrinologist.

There's about 7 more hours to see if these revised doses work. In the meantime, it's so far so good!

Adjustments

2009-02-17T21:53:00.004+08:00

It's been 14 days since hypoglycaemic galore. When I woke up at 7am with shaky hands and a body that felt like it didn't sleep, I knew it was the last straw. I never thought that I'd hate having low blood sugars this much because I actually used to like it. Low blood sugars when diabetes management was still in its stone ages meant being able to eat 'forbidden' stuff like sweet drinks and stuff that used to be known as untouchable. Can't believe I used to rejoice a little when I got a low reading on my meter.

In any case, in order to put a stop to all this drama that my body's been experiencing, I've done some adjustments to my basal rates and reducing the amount of insulin I get in the day. Instead of lows, I think I'm headed for some high numbers until some fine tuning with trial and error.

Hyper season, here I come.

There's never a dull day is there?

Hating Horrible Hypos

2009-02-16T15:40:00.005+08:00

My body's been feeling really tired of late and I think I found out the reason why. I think the multiple lows that I've been getting have left my body extremely exhausted. It must be really tired from bracing my body for a crash in my blood sugars, holding on to existence until it was treated and dealing with the aftermath after a hypo episode.

I've really gotta find a way to deal with all these lows. It's sucking the energy right out of me. The worst feeling is waking up with a low. I absolutely abhor it because it's been making me feel so tired in the mornings. It's even more annoying when it wakes me in the middle of the night. I sometimes struggle with the decision to get up and treat it or let myself die in my sleep. I really don't have suicidal tendencies, but it's a really rude way of interrupting your sleep. I hhhhhhhhate it!

Over the weekend, I found another reason to hate it. I was at Pasir Ris for a birthday party and got a really low glucose level. I don't know how low because I didn't take a reading, but judging from how my eyes had a very hard time adjusting to the darker light as I walked into the chalet and the spots of white that I saw, I could tell that it must have been a 2.5 or less. Genius me forgot to pack my emergency kit into my bag and found myself desperately having to eat something but couldn't find the right time to do it. Maranatha was about to start their session and it seemed inappropriate that I dig into the fridge for some help. In trying desperately not to attract too much attention to myself, I drank whatever Pokka Green Tea Bel had and hoped for the best. I think my body was so tired after that day because it was in a hypo state for about half an hour. That could have be a Guiness Record for holding on to dear life.

There were many times that I ran into this dilemma of having to tell somebody that I need to eat something. Not as a passing remark that means that you're hungry, but meaning to say that I really need to eat something now. Not later when we find food, but I need to go and buy right now or you need to go and help me get it or I might collapse on the way there. The dilemma is in revealing the urgency of the situation which constitutes having to reveal that I have diabetes, or putting my body in hell before I find the opportunity to get something sweet in my system.

It's a price you pay I guess, for wanting to conceal the disease. It makes having this lonely sometimes because of not wanting people to feel weird about you and your situation. I just don't understand why this is such a big obstacle. Even telling Joel's hard for me to do. What's wrong with me?!

Green Tea

2009-02-13T20:42:00.005+08:00

My parents started drinking lots of tea lately and made me curious about it. I'm not much of a tea drinker and am in fact a true blue believer of the caffeine in coffee. I remembered that I had green tea powder which my aunt bought for me in Japan and wondered if I should start drinking it. Got on to google and typed in the benefits of green tea and this is what I found!

According to the article that I read, it inhibits the growth of cancer cells and is a powerful antioxidant. But the thing that got me all excited was this: "It(Green Tea) has also been effective in lowering LDL cholesterol levels, and inhibiting the abnormal formation of blood clots." Wow. Can you believe it? I was in total amazement when I realized that I didn't mean to find that out and was absolutely by God's grace that I found out about it.

Disheartened, I may have been, but I'm pretty sure He's there egging me on. And He's sending little reminders that He's still around. You wouldn't blame me for grinning sheepishly now. :D

Anyway, I drank 2 cups of green tea in the morning before school (No, it's not overkill. I just put too much powder for my first cup and was way too bitter that I split it and diluted it to make 2 cups.) The other amazing thing I found was that it has some caffeine in it as well and despite having gone to the gym in the morning, the caffeine in the green tea kept me awake throughout lectures the whole day. I wasn't one bit tired other than my aching back, but that's because of the monthly girl thing. Hate it by the way. I mean, what more benefits can you ask for?

I was in such a good mood this morning that I decided to make my bed. Hahaha. If you know me, I've never believed in making my bed because I've always thought that it's a waste of effort considering you would mess it up again soon. See! I've proof! I took this at 8am this morning.

Forget Nutrisoy. Drink Green Tea instead! Not the sweetened ones of course.

Read the full article here.

Deceiving Food Labels

2009-02-12T16:03:00.005+08:00

I was quite happy to find that NurtiSoy's Reduced Sugar Soy Milk had only 17.0g of carbohydrate. But I overlooked the label and found that one packet of that soya milk had 34g of carbohydrates!!! I would have chosen something else if the label didn't deceive me. You see, to make the amount of carbohydrate and sugar appear less, they manipulated the nutritional information to be for one serving when whatever was in the drink had 2 servings. In this case, they made it look like that carton had about the same amount of carbohydrates as milk when in fact it had twice the amount.

Grr. It sent my blood sugars soaring to a whopping 14.1. I haven't had such a high number in a while. And I thought that I finally found an alternative drink. Next time, I'm sticking to the traditional soya bean and asking the aunty to not add the sugary water. I knew it was too good to be true. Hmph. I'm so utterly disappointed.

Sleeeeeeepy

2009-02-12T01:05:00.003+08:00

I decided to try something new today. I found that exercising at the gym didn't exactly make me tired but rather gave me this burst of energy that could last for a few hours. Therefore, I decided to do a little experiment.

Before I went to bed last night, I told my mom about my brilliant plan of waking up early the next day and told her to wake me up at the time that she left for work. So I reset my day basal rates to begin at 6am instead of 8am since I was going to be up bright and early. She made pancakes this morning! Loved it with the margarine and the diabetic jam that she bought recently.

So the plan was this.
6.30am: Breakfast of yummy pancakes
7.00am: Hit the gym for half an hour of cardio
7.30am: Leave gym to shower for school
8.20am: Walk to school

My theory was right in that it did give me this tremendous burst of energy. But it cost me 2 lows during school hours. The first time was at 10.30 before lunch and the second time was 4pm just after school ended. I was so relieved to find my Uncle Toby's in my emergency kit and a box of mentos. I'm surprised I remembered to pack these items when school started.

I think I haven't quite got my insulin dosing right after exercise. It's got this funny way of dipping my blood sugars and sending me into a ravenous frenzy a few hours after. I should remember to talk to the doctor about this. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, the exercise didn't do much good for my energy level after lunch. It was downhill all the way and started to feel like I couldn't keep my eyes open. Note to self - maybe gym before school isn't such a good idea after all...

Patience and Love

2009-02-12T00:12:00.005+08:00

Quite honestly, I don't like who I am right now. I might have said some things that were hurtful. I didn't know that if I wanted to persevere in one aspect of my life, it meant persevering everything. I think in many aspects I could argue that I'm right, when in fact one could argue otherwise.

I wouldn't share explicitly about what I'm talking about since it doesn't just concern me. Perhaps you could help sort the mess that's in my mind right now. If you're let down over and over again by the people you love, do you give up or persevere in love? The answer seems simple and yet terribly difficult when there are so many reasons for you to just walk away. At which point does 'enough is enough' warrant throwing in the towel?

Suddenly my memory bank refers to the book that I'm reading now called 'From the Angel's Blackboard', a compilation of Fulton J. Sheen's books that he wrote when he was still alive. He talked about patience in a way that I never saw it before. He mentioned that in our trials where suffering seems to hold no meaning, God calls us to be patient, just like He's always been with us. If our patience just needed us to wait for the storm to subside, then His patience would be like waiting for an infant to become and elderly man. It's given me a brand new perspective on the meaning of patience, not just with personal suffering, but with people as well. It would be foolish should I think that this holds no relevance for the issue at hand.

St. Paul speaks right to the core of the issue in Romans 12:9-10. 'Let love be without any pretense. Avoid what is evil; stick to what is good. In brotherly love let your feelings of deep affection for one another come to expression and regard others as more important than yourself.'

The message is pretty clear cut. I love how he places the issue of morality as the means to which friendship should be governed. I don't claim to know what's right all the time, which some may mistake for self righteousness, but I do know what's important. I know that keeping myself alive and well's important and that there's more to life than just indulgence. It took me a while to reject it, but in this courage to be able to do that, there were some crosses to bear as well.

If love is without pretense, then it should be more important than myself. More important than what makes me comfortable but in this struggle become an expression of love to them.

Oh God, this wasn't meant to be easy, was it?

Mysterious Numbers

2009-02-10T16:20:00.002+08:00

Doing a pre meal BSL reading and a post meal BSL reading is the closest that you'd get to owning the perks of a CGMS (Continuous Blood Glucose Monitoring System). Unfortunately, this darn thing's extremely expensive. It costs about $200 for 3 days worth of blood glucose readings every 5 minutes for 3 whole days. I think it's heavily subsidized in the US that's why they can afford to have it on them almost everyday. Having this on me everyday would make me a pauper in a month.

That said, I haven't done many post meal readings lately because it's really annoying to have to keep track of the time that you ate and remember the time to take a reading again. I usually forget the time that I have to do a reading again and end up not taking it. The last time I did an intensive blood glucose monitoring regime was late last year and found that my post meal readings always sucked but went back to normal in an hour or so without any adjustment to my doses. I just did a pre lunch and post lunch reading today and found that the difference was 4.4mmol/l apart! *gasps* The reading's not supposed to be more than 2mmol/L apart. That either means my body reacts really slowly to the insulin or that I need to do something about the rate which my boluses are released.

I'll start with a dual wave bolus of 70%, 30% over half an hour and see how that works out.

I'll keep this space posted about whether it works. Or we'll need some doctor's advice.

First Day of School

2009-02-09T19:22:00.004+08:00

It's the first day back to the field of acquiring knowledge, better known as school. As much as I would like to sound enthusiastic about it, there really wasn't anything to be excited about. The pessimism is largely accounted for by the inability to get a bank loan for an intended stay in Scotland for a semester. That's the first thing that was told to us bright and early this morning. Not really a great way to start the day, let alone the semester.

On the brighter side, I've had a a perfect score of BGLs today. Let's discount the low that I got in the morning. It was 6.4 pre lunch, 6.3 after school, 5.1 pre dinner and 5.9 after the workout at the gym. I love how my numbers look today plus how I've eaten everything healthy. Bread, ban mian at school and a homecooked dinner.

I guess that's how it is with life sometimes. It may not change as quickly as my blood sugars, but there are days where we feel like letting go and others where the sun seems to shine brighter than any other day. I've seen my fair share of the highs and lows of this disease. Many times the bad times would last for a period of many months until a wake up call at the doctor's office or get a period of fantastic numbers after a diabetes camp and getting motivated to get my life in control. It can be mirrored to how we would feel really close to God after a church camp but lose the drive to pray after a few months. Alike the management of my diabetes, my spiritual life has seen many highs and many lows. All I know is that no matter how many low points I get in my spiritual life, God constantly brings me back up again. I'm quite sure He'll do the same for my diabetes.

Horrible Day.

2009-02-08T23:12:00.004+08:00

I woke up this morning angry because I was fighting within myself. Even when I was sleeping and woke up in between to untangle T.D, I was angry. It's the feeling you get after you've fought with somebody the night before. Heavy heart, eye bags included. Seems like there's a lot of fighting going on these few days. It didn't help that I woke up late and low. Didn't seem like a very good start to the day.

Though, I did spend the day with the cousins at Hougang. Come to think of it, I kinda miss hanging out with them since I spent my childhood more with them than with my parents. All that laughing compensated for the terrible start to the day. Gosh, I'm so thankful for that.

But bad news because I ate nuggets and chocolates when I was there. And I forgot to bring my meter out to test my BSLs (blood sugar levels). Turns out my estimation for my boluses weren't that bad after all. My current reading is 5.9! Let's hope I don't crash during the night. I've been getting quite a number of lows lately. At least once a day!

Sigh. It's back to school tomorrow. I hope the stress doesn't show up on my HbA1c readings. God help me and the rest of the school.

I'll hold on to cycling with Jo, reading books on the beach and my holy books to keep me afloat. More on that when I get the pictures from her.

Battleship.

2009-02-08T04:02:00.003+08:00

I feel like I've played a lot of battleship with my dream of good-looking LDL ratios. I've just passed the 2 day mark since deciding on this conquest and I've already found myself fighting all these cravings. Friday night was battleship galore, I promise. Though the war started at about 10pm, it lasted til about 4am. I can finally safely say that I overcame everything. Here's what went down that night.

Round One
The night started off with desserts at IceCube. There were 3 things to overcome over that hour that we sat there. Mudpie. Waffle with ice cream. Milkshake.
Loaded with saturated fat and glucose. Bad for blood sugar as well as LDLs.

First battle, confident that I could do this and overcame it with some ease. Though, the hunger was starting to creep in.

Round Two
The plan was for Cafe Iguana's at Clark Quay. New Year's Resolution. Alcohol. Bad for liver. Difficult to correct with insulin after. Must overcome!

By this time I was starting to waver a little. I really love their Margaritas!

Round Three
Everyone needed to eat supper so we headed to Newton Circus. The bad thing about supper is that because it was late, T.D (Tommy Dwight) was giving my 'sleep basal rate'. Harder to gauge amount of insulin needed and could run danger of crashing blood sugars during sleep time. I was really really hungry! And it was impossible to not be with bowls of prawn mee and sting ray. I was feeling absolutely tortured by this time and thought it to be impossible to accomplish this. Honestly, I'm still having doubts about whether it's possible. My body's getting this sort of withdrawal symptoms and I only realized it when I kept craving for the oiliest stuff like chicken wings and fishball noodles dry with tonnes and tonnes of oily chilli.

Phew. Thank God that's over. Day 4 here I come!

2009-02-06T17:51:00.013+08:00

I woke up shaking at 7am this morning. Probably the earliest time I've been awake ever since I started the school holidays. I figured I was hypoglycaemic since my heart was pounding at a rate that could give you a heart attack and I was starting to see little bits of white in my vision. Not good symptoms. My blood sugar must be really low. Lo and behold, it was!

Scrambled for the fridge frantically, yet the distance from my room to the kitchen never felt so long before. Thankfully there was strawberry milk and cereal. I was so ravenous that I could have eaten the whole box of it. I really should consider getting me a box of these.

I've never had one in the whole time that I've had diabetes. Yes. I'm a horrible patient. I've had some brushes with comatose a few times with levels of 1.3mmol/L and yet never had the sense to get me some glucose tablets. I shall go find me some soon. I feel like a hypo season's coming especially with school starting in a few days.

There's something about this message that cracks me up. 'LOW BG. DO NOT BOLUS UNTIL BG IS NORMAL. Treat low BG. Monitor BG.' It's way too lengthy. If the person using it doesn't already know all that this message has to say, then I say that you're not really a diabetic but you're pretending to be one. For one, it's kinda dumb to give insulin when you're still feeling the symptoms. It's even dumber if you don't treat it and give the insulin at the same time.

This might help you understand a little better. Although, I sometimes ramble when I'm low. Especially when I'm by myself.

Hmm. I just got a 3.8 on my meter. Looks like I'm headed for another hypo episode. Better go before I start seeing white again.

2009-02-05T18:07:00.002+08:00

In an interview with Kerri for a Teens With Diabetes website, (the blogger I was talking about in my previous post) she said this.

How do you define "the Real Diabetic"?

The one who isn't sporting a perfect bloodsugar all the time. The one who gets frustrated and angry and admits it. The one who has so much more to them than the disease. It's like seeing your elementary school teachers at the grocery store. You only thought of them in the classroom setting. Seeing what they eat makes them Real. Makes you identify with them. Brings it all closer to home and makes it less scary.

That really struck me because that's how it lays out an analogy of my relationship with God and my prayers. When I pray, I sometimes feel like I need to say everything perfectly, no Singlish and in proper sentences. Everything in my prayer needs to be said perfectly. I came to realize that He doesn't want me to speak to Him like a TV anchor, in fact, all He really wants is for me to reveal everything about myself in the rawest form even though He already knows. I would just imagine it weird if I spoke to my Dad in that way.

It's really silly, come to think of it, considering you're pretending to be somebody even though He already knows the Real you.

On a different note, I'm on a quest to get my LDLs within the acceptable range. It has never seen healthy numbers ever since I was admitted to the hospital. I figured, this would be the year that I finally get it in check. That would mean cutting out the oily food and hitting the gym regularly. My goal is by May 10th! The 10th year anniversary of getting diabetes. I would greatly appreciate your prayers. :)

Diabetes Blog

2009-02-05T16:57:00.006+08:00

If there's anything that's been constant in my life, well at least over the last 10 years, it's my diabetes. Surely I could blog about other things that happen in my life. But to neglect the attention that my health should get every single day and talk about other things would just be a sort of pretense on my part.

Why the sudden enthusiasm to talk about it? I found many blogs online when I did a google search on people living with diabetes. Funny how God works it seems. I asked for a type of perseverance through the trials of dealing with this disease and He leads me to a blog that I found on the school's portal - the last medium I'd expect Him to use. Reading their daily trials with the disease gave me a spark of inspiration to shed light and attempt to be absolutely honest with my every day state of health. In other words, it's more for me to use the blog as my platform to be real about this and not have to hide behind a facade of being your average functioning human body.

The thing about diabetes is that it's not the bi monthly doctor's review on my health that's important, but rather the hour to hour blood sugar levels, the pre meal and post meal blood sugar levels. You might be able to imagine that it's unlike a book that you can start reading then leave it only to pick it up again in a few days. It's more like a newspaper. As long as there's tomorrow, there's something to write about.

What's prevented me from sharing so much about it on my blog has two factors. The first reason would be that I found it a real chore to have to explain all these terms. I don't share much about this very prominent part of my life with anyone, not even Mom who's been there all the while. It has become a sort of silencer that I've put on the disease. Not talking about it means not talking even to myself about what's going on with my body. I've forgotten on several occassions to give boluses after a snack and sometimes even after a meal! Hyperglycaemic nightmares!

I know many of the readers or ex-readers of this blog wouldn't know anything about what I would be ranting about, but I figured it's time that I not let that stand in my way. Much of what I would share would be very hard to relate to. Heck, at some point you might find that you don't fall into the target audience of readership. I don't expect you to be unless you're in the same boat, but you might find some relevance in the struggles that I face as do you in your own life. That said, if you do have a question about anything, I'd gladly answer them. That's what the tagboard's for. :)

The second reason for not sharing is because I am afraid. Not was afraid, but quite frankly, I am still afraid. It wasn't easy whenever I started a new phase of my life when I grew up with diabetes. Primary school was easy because my teachers and my classmates knew about it. When I started school in secondary school, what was on my mind most of the time wasn't whether I would be able to fit in, but what would I do if my friends found out. I did eventually share with them that I was living with it, but I'm still uncomfortable talking about it because I fear that they would feel awkward about it. Maranatha and Poly was no different. I think today only 2 or 3 people from Poly know about my condition. All these symptoms just points to one ailment. That I'm at a dis-ease about my disease.

I know sharing on my blog may not seem much since I'm not a celebrity blogger of sorts and have a small following of readers, but I believe in starting small. This is after all, a glimpse into my intimate horizons.

BTW, this blog was the one that inspired me.

OmniPod

2009-02-05T01:20:00.008+08:00

I found the coolest thing on the internet! Excuse me for putting on my diabetic vocabulary, but this new thing really excites me! But first...

Let me introduce you to Dwight/Tommy.

It has two names because I couldn't decide which one I liked better. Both were equally endearing that's why I guess they both stuck. Let's call it Tommy Dwight. When I was first introduced to Tommy Dwight in November 2007, I fell in love with it because it could give me control of my diabetes that I thought was impossible. I thought that this was as close to normalcy that I could get. I was right, at least until this came along.

This is OmniPod. I love the fact that it uses wireless technology. That means no tubings! I found that the tube that T.D has doesn't really allow me to wear certain outfits like dresses and skirts without pockets. It is also really uncomfortable when I sleep. You see, I'm not the most refined sleeper. If anything, I'm more a gangster when I sleep and tend to toss and turn alot. I often find myself tangled in the tubing and my body coiled with it. I think I actually have to get up to untangle it at least twice a night.

Interestingly enough, I never thought that it would have a celebrity endorser, but Nick Jonas uses it and it was actually through him that I found out about this fancy new gadget. I've never loved new technology more. Maybe one day, I won't need anything attached to my body anymore. Hopefully they'll bring it to Asia soon!

For amusement, check this out. :) It threw me into a fit when Kevin found it. Hahaha...

Wish I Knew

2008-12-28T02:02:00.003+08:00

A whirlwind of emotions that flood my mind.

I don't know what's real and what's not anymore.

It's not the first time.

I wish I knew why.

Wish I knew how to let go.

Nostalgia

2008-12-05T02:58:00.003+08:00

It's 3am and I find myself listening to Chris Cendana's version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and surfing Facebook. It's a lethal combination for nostalgia to strike. I saw how much of so many of the friends I used to know have changed. Some have gone on to pursue their dreams, some lost weight and some still show hints of the personalities that I used to know in their dressing.

Change seems to be the topic on everybody's minds these days with Obama's assurance of it to them ignorant Americans. I'm not fond of change. I dislike it because there's the fear of the unknown.

Perhaps it's the reason why I don't particularly like reunions with friends from secondary school and even in poly especially since it really wasn't that long ago that I graduated. I don't know how to communicate change and I fear that I won't know how to respond to the changes in others. It's particularly difficult with friends from the teenage years since it's in those years that we form and become the people that we would like to be after years and years of overcoming the rage of hormones.

I hardly think I'm the same person that I was when I was 16, neither do I expect my fellow 'counterparts' to be. I guess the scariest thing would be to find that everyone seems to have been able to find and express who they truly are while I still find myself as lost as I was 5 years ago.

Oh dear. Nostalgia can be toxic too.

After a decade...

2008-11-24T13:52:00.002+08:00

After a decade, I've finally got it right. The visit to the doctor's went better than expected. I'm now proud to have a Hba1C level of 6.3! Might not mean much since you probably won't know what it is, but it's a terrific level to have.

Truth be told, I haven't been this healthy in one decade. (Actually it'll be a decade in May 2009) I've finally given all the attention that my issues need, though it's still a work in progress. I guess if life wasn't a struggle, we wouldn't know the true meaning of living. Although it wasn't easy, and it still isn't, it's changed the way I look at life. I may not be on the ride of my life, but in embracing and accepting this disease as a part of who I am and the numerous lessons that it's taught me, I'd like to see it as a gift than a dis-ease.

Sometimes when we resign ourselves to the circumstances that we're in, we fail to see the blessings that God has cleverly embedded in them. The cross that I bear probably isn't any bigger than those that you face in fact, it may be way smaller. I'm just grateful that I've had the opportunity to grow from it. May you embrace your cross today! :)

Fearful

2008-11-10T22:38:00.003+08:00

I woke up today with a horrible sense of fear in my heart. 3 weeks seem short, but it doesn't seem enough to do all that I need to accomplish in this short time.

How would I be able to do it?

I seek Your peace and grace.
I know I can't do this without You.

Gentle Reminder

2008-10-04T13:57:00.002+08:00

I'm going on a 2 week intensive blood glucose monitoring regime. That, in English, simply means that I have to do a blood testing 7 times a day, translating that to 1 time before a meal and 2 hours before a meal.

So, if I do meet you to eat over the next two weeks, slap the food right off my hands if I haven't done a blood glucose reading before eating.

God help my horrid memory.

Gratitude Moments

2008-10-03T00:21:00.002+08:00

Do you find yourself suddenly stopping in the midst of everything and just realizing how absolutely blessed you are? Your heart gets this influx of emotions that you can't seem to contain? I seem to be experiencing more and more of these 'gratitude moments' as I find myself becoming more and more attuned to the magnificence of God and the awe follows right after.

I'm so thankful that I'm loved by You.

Breathe.

2008-09-29T23:49:00.000+08:00

I just need to take a moment to breathe.

Help me hold on til it's over.

Who Am I

2008-08-25T22:04:00.004+08:00

There's a part of me that I thought I'd lost and sold away because of my pride and selfishness. But over the weekend, God gave me a 3 day reminder on what it means to be follow Him and to serve. And it brought back that part that I thought I'd lost - to give joyfully and to love unconditionally.

I needed to remember the real meaning of serving. To give without expecting return. To focus on those that I was serving rather than on myself. To do everything for His glory and not mine. I think over the years, I've lost sight of what it means to say that I'm here because I want to serve God. I'm so thankful that He wanted to use me even though I am but a speck of dust in the wind.

Who Am I

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

-Casting Crowns

Brothers & Sisters

2008-08-01T04:40:00.004+08:00

Brothers & Sisters has got me hooked. I guess its main draw for me is how the show would close with me finding a renewed faith in family ties and how it moulds us into stronger people.

After the past 31 hours or so with my eyes glued to the computer screen, I'm convinced that it has successfully made life realistic for us normal humans who don't share that fairy tale ending or that dramatic departure through some vindictive traitor who sets a bomb on you or plots your agonizing death.

As members of the family, we see the brother with the addiction, the sister with the failed marriage, the brother who's cheating on his wife, the sister who can't let herself be loved, the brother who has issues with his sexuality, the mother whose husband cheated on her for 20 years and the father who embezzled money and died.

I'm just awestruck by how the creators, producers, cast and the whole shezang (a little help here, Addi) tell the stories of our lives in this show. And so ever accurately told because it's founded at a place where we are our worst selves -- the home.

I saw myself in these different actors in the various stages of my life. I saw myself in Paige when she thought God wasn't listening to her prayers and asked her mom whether she was bad that's why she got diabetes. I saw myself in Kitty when she broke up with her boyfriend because she felt she didn't know herself well enough to commit to him. I saw myself in Sarah when I felt I had to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I saw myself in Kevin who was afraid to show who he really was because he feared judgement and I saw myself in Tommy when I just wanted to give up on the ones that I loved because it was just too hard to love.

I do have a good family and I'm really grateful and fortunate to have the relationship that I have with every single member that makes up this humble unit of four. Though we do have our disagreements, squabbles and our fair share of drama, I think we wouldn't have gotten through any of it if my parents didn't believe in God's brand of love. Why, I don't think I would have gotten through coming to terms with my diabetes if Mom hadn't cradled me at the hospital bed and told me to have faith. Or learned Dad's joyful tolerance for jokes that were on him. Nor would I learn to open up to Joel about life and love.

The thing about every episode of Brothers & Sisters is that it ends up with either a reconciliation, a sorting out of differences or a celebration of family. Though there's probably an endless number of issues and impossible for every single member of the family to be fully content and satisfied with their lives all at the same time, they always go back to what's important.
The love of the family.

There are so many adjectives we could use here like support, comfort, understanding, solace, etc. But these adjectives are rooted in love. And that's where God planted love first. In the family.

May you love your family today. :)

New Days

2008-07-31T04:36:00.005+08:00

So it's 4.30 in the morning and my body clock's telling me the exact opposite time of what the clock on my computer's telling me. I'm officially nocturnal. It also doesn't help that I have Brothers & Sisters within reach that's got me hooked. But it could also be credited to the calmness that I get from the weird serenity these "mornings" present. I sometimes find myself subconsciously extending the time to fall asleep because it's the best time to get in touch with the direction that my life and relationships are going.

There's a peace in the night that's hard to put into words. Perhaps it's the knowing that there's nothing that you should be worrying about at this time of the day because it's either too early for it or well, too late. Or it could that it's the coolest time within the 24 hour period which makes it impeccably conducive for enjoying the quiet and appreciating everything natural. When the chirping of birds are given the duty of heralding a new day instead of the alarm clocks that we're used to and when the break of dawn shines the way for experiences good and bad.

God must have such joy (or grief) planning for new days. He planned it even though he knew it was going to be the toughest day of someone's life. He must have even looked forward to it because it was going to be the happiest day of someone's life. Or it could be the day where He would reveal His love, show His mercy or even heal a wound. What hope a new day brings. :)

Have a blessed day ahead! :)

Singfest!

2008-07-29T02:16:00.002+08:00

I can hardly wait! :)

Revived

2008-07-29T02:09:00.002+08:00

Like this blog, I feel revived. Many things were eating at my soul. I was just tangled in denial and the lack of love for myself. There's so much to live and be thankful for. It's the acknowledgement of the countless blessings that I'm constantly showered with.

The whole falling and rising again thing is really part of what life's about. No doubt, I think I've developed a fear for falling. At least I know that there'll always be someone there to catch me when I fall.

How can I deny Your goodness and magnificence?

Revisting Priorities

2008-04-05T02:34:00.004+08:00

Reading my past blog posts have illuminated the changes that have taken place in my life. This blog must be what, 3 years old at least? I've subconsciously created this pattern of impersonality in my writing as I take less and less time to stop and ponder about the direction that my life is taking, or rather, the direction that I've allowed it to take.

It's made me revisit my priorities.
Comparing the two lists of things that I held dear to my heart back then and now, undeniably, have changed drastically. The world's influence seem to have gained a larger share of voice. I knew I was drifting away. I just didn't know or probably want to push the halt button on it.

I don't know when it hit me. This isn't the kind of life that I want because it's been empty for so long. It's like a vacuum void of emotions that's tearing me from the inside out. It was only an illusion of what true happiness is.

I don't say that I can safely say that I know what true happiness is, but I do know in my heart that I've had my fair share of heaven, ones that I've chosen to forget and breed the denial that there was something else worth living for. And perhaps, that's just the thing I miss the most. My biggest regret was to slowly corrode the boundaries of morality that I believed in and allowed it to have a voice in the way that I think, act and feel.

Perhaps the largest lesson learnt is that I don't have to be like you to love you. Because the real problem is in me not being able to love myself first, to love you for who you are.

Oh and 'you' doesn't mean anyone in particular, just in case you were wondering.

Tears of Joy?

2008-03-03T04:05:00.003+08:00

After 25 months of tears and joy, it's suddenly done with as this chapter of my life closes. It's been a rollercoaster of extremes, of highs of lows, fun times and stressful ones. Am I relieved that it's all over?

Perhaps.

When Jude broke the news to us that we were council members no more, I didn't know to laugh or to cry. Even if I did, would it be laughter that masked my true emotions? Or tears that revealed it? To say that I'm not relieved would be a total lie, as much as it would be likewise if I said that I am.

Nonetheless, it's been a privelege working with every single one of you. The experience would not be much of one had it not been for the people who embarked on this journey together. So thank you, for being with me on this journey of self discovery topped with life lessons that has shaped me to the person that I am today. I can safely say that every single one of you have played a role in that. And I'm thankful. :)

Not gonna write you a love song

2008-02-17T02:06:00.003+08:00

I was sitting through mass today and for once in a very long time, I felt like I was there because I had to be. Everytime the weekend comes around, I find myself going on this rollercoaster ride of emotions. Frankly, I'm tired of it. It has to stop. Yet, there are so many questions that I need answers to but have no guts to ask. Where has Little Miss Brave cowered away to?

There must be at least a thousand reasons to choose the logical and most practical way. Unfortunately with the heart, those are the the last things on the list. If there was a need to discipline the heart, I'd probably need a good lashing by now. Or more.

It's sad that I always believe in you, but you prove the devil sitting on my shoulder right every single time.
It's sad that I feel like a utility rather than a necessity.
It's sad that I seem to need you more than you do me.
It's sad that I continue to live in denial despite knowing I am.

Breakaway.

Or my heart and my head would never find reconciliation.

Is that why you wanted a love song
Cos you asked for it
Cos you need one you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cos you tell me it's make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is no where in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas
When I believe that there's a reason to
Write you a love song today
Today.

-Sarah Bareilles

Sore

2008-02-06T01:56:00.001+08:00

It's like a wound that never heals. Like the scab on my thigh, it doesn't seem to go away. Do you continue to treat it knowing your efforts could be futile, or just leave it alone because you choose to believe that it will not heal?

Love is blind as far as the eye can see
Deep and meaningless words to me
Easy lover
I need a friend
Road to no where
Twist and turns but will this never end

Too much of something is bad enough
But something's coming over me
To make me wonder
Too much of nothing
Is just as tough
I need to know the way to feel
To keep me satisfied

-Spice Girls

Seeking Understanding

2008-01-29T22:34:00.000+08:00

Yes. I am finally back after a long break. I think the thing that inspired me to come back was due to the fact that I really don't know how to better express myself. If everything seems a little hazy and vague, it's meant to be that way. :)

I prayed for the spirit of understanding, that You will reveal to me the reason for everything that's happening. I wish I knew why things are happening the way they are. I don't think I'd be able to take another heartache again. The building up and tearing down has happened so often in the past 2 months I could just rip my hair out and just give up.

I want to believe. Please. Teach me how.

Love?

2007-12-04T04:21:00.000+08:00

"In real love, you want the other person's good. In romantic love, you want the other person."
-Margaret Anderson

Yes. I need to remember that.

How do I know?

2007-11-08T00:59:00.000+08:00

How do you know when too much is too much?
It's like filling up a black container.
How would you know when it's about to overflow so that you know when to turn off the tap?
Even then, how do you turn the darn thing off?

Rude Awakening

2007-11-01T23:46:00.000+08:00

I'm the type that usually expects the worst and never hopes for the best.
But this, was something I never expected.

Rude awakening.
Amen to that.